Shh! Don't tell anyone! I'm reading a book about the sex life of a forty year old average American housewife and her husband of ten years. Her sex life is special, because for her husband's birthday, she decided to give him the gift of intimacy: that is, to celebrate his birthday, she decided she would give herself to her husband sexually every day for the next year.
Now to be sure, most people would say I have no business reading such a book. It's not explicit (it's not that kind of a sex book), but still, I'm a single guy, a virgin who's probably at least a few years away from any sex at all. Why would I tempt myself with such a book? Well, it turns out its not tempting at all. While the context of the book is this woman's year-long journey of sexual intimacy with her husband, it turns out its not really about sex at all. It's about her relationship with her husband, her life, her heart, and how her decision to give intimacy unconditionally every day impacts all of these. At bottom, it's a story about unconditional acts of love--and that is something very relevant to my life.
If you're familiar with my blog at all, you already know that one of the recurring themes of my life is the connection I see between my relationship with God (what I call, the Great Romance) and the romance and relationship that exists between a man and wife. If not, I just traumatized you--if that lead-in didn't already have you traumatized. Oh, well. If all it takes is a random blog post to upset your world, then you have a very flimsy world and you need to give your version of Atlas a coffee-break, or better yet a pink-slip.
Anyway, a couple of months into her year of daily sex, the wife in this book started to notice some unexpected payoffs of her decision. For starters, her intimacy with her husband in the bedroom was translating to more intimacy (non-sexual intimacy--come on, work with me here) outside the bedroom. Because of her unconditional daily acts of love for her husband, she was receiving acts of unconditional love in return (or at least, noticing them more). Now, when her husband took her out to dinner, listened--I mean really listened--to her after a hard day, or just cuddled with her on the sofa, she didn't have this question in back of her mind: Is he doing this because he loves me, or does he just want to get me in bed tonight? The whole question was removed from the equation: he was going to get her in bed that night regardless, so his acts of love were motivated solely by love and were unconditional as well. This really helped sweeten their marriage.
The other thing she noticed was that having lots of sex with her husband made her feel sexy, beautiful, and more confident about herself and her body. At forty, she's hitting the age of wrinkles, sagging, and gray hairs. Meanwhile, fashion marches on relentlessly and these days keeping up with it with one's looks can really break the bank, between waxing, tanning, the gym, whitening, coloring, etc, etc. There's also plastic surgery, with many women her age taking "spa trips" to Cuba and coming back nipped and tucked, looking ten years younger. The woman in the book admitted that she was tempted to make such a trip herself. It's not like I need a new chin or a new nose, she tells herself, but I could use a little work here and a little there...and it's not like anyone would know. Her husband, however, has been adamant that she not get any work, not for the sake of their budget, but for the sake of her beauty. He tells her she's beautiful just the way she is and he doesn't want her to change anything. Besides, what would her actions be telling her middle-school daughter, whom their trying to raise to know that beauty is from the inside out, against the grain of a superficial world.
For the record, I agree with her husband. I would frankly be horrified if any of the women I knew tried to get plastic surgery or if, one day, my someday-future wife did the same. Ladies, you are beautiful just the way God made you. Barring extraneous circumstances--such as horrifically mutilating car accidents--I would shoot you just for thinking of defacing one of His masterpieces by trying to change yourself into something you're not, whether in appearance, body, or personality, character, and calling (okay, I wouldn't really shoot you, but I would be very put out). Let me be clear about this: you are beautiful just as He has made you, just as you are, and your beauty is unique--and owes much of its great value to its uniqueness. Sure, I could name some women who's beauty appears exceptional (though appearances are often deceptive). I'm sure you could as well. Whoever or whatever ideal your thinking of now, you are more beautiful than she is--though likely you do not realize it (which I think makes you more beautiful still). If she were to try to fit into your skin, under your hair, behind your eyes, with your mind, or into your clothes, she would not be able to pull it off, and if you were to trade bodies, faces, hair, eyes, or personality with her it would be defacing to your own beauty--like drawing a mustache and glasses on the Mona Lisa. And of course, any woman who realizes this about her own unique beauty and the beauty of those around her and lives accordingly...her beauty is the greatest of all--and all the world of waxing, coloring, styling, fashion, plastic surgery, dieting and exercise will not allow even the most glamorous woman to eclipse her, or even parallel her.
Climbing down from my soapbox, I can't help but be struck by the way this wife's discoveries apply to my Great Romance with God. What Christ did in giving His life on Cavalry is undoubtedly the greatest unconditional act of love in the whole universe. He did that while each one of us was dead set on running away from Him headlong into sin and Hell. He knew very well that the majority of us would not choose to turn around, and that even those of us who did would need some help just getting to that point. He didn't exactly have a great payoff, and certainly not a guaranteeing one. He did it anyway. His love is unconditional. And if the Cross weren't enough to prove it, He continues to give me little expressions of His unconditional love every single day. I do nothing for it, and if I never gave Him anything in return, He would love me still. There is an indescribable security in that for me. When God shows me favor, when the Bible talks about His love, I don't have to cringe waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't have to worry about what God wants in return and whether or not I'll be able to provide. All He wants is my heart, and He's going to give me daily (hourly, or minutely...or nanosecondly) acts of love whether He gets it or not. He is as relentless as He is faithful. So, I don't have to worry about driving Him away or being unable to satisfy Him. There's freedom in that security, freedom from pressure to perform. Whereas before my thinking place an impossible burden on me to fulfill my "duties" to God, knowing that He'll love me anyway, even if I push Him away, give me the freedom to really love Him. Because He loves me unconditional, I can give Him little unconditional acts of love myself--simply because I want to and not because I think it will obligate Him to bless me.
This applies to the body-image thing, too. Spiritual "body image" is a big issue for me. I know I've been guilty of looking around at other Christians and thinking: wow, doesn't their faith look great! I wish I had their prayer life/discipline/passion/skill in evangelism/reading plan. Maybe then I could be really pleasing to God. I've contemplated the spiritual equivalent of plastic surgery. What if I changed my routine drastically so I could do this spiritual thing? What if I joined this radical movement? Or perhaps less radically: what if I incorporated this little change? Nobody would notice, but maybe it would make my life more attractive to God. Of course, if "nobody would notice," is it really worth it? If the change is so slight as to pass unnoticed, it probably isn't an important change, certainly nothing worth agonizing over and nothing that could actually make God or anyone love me any more. God's unconditional love smashes this whole issue, though. God loves me just the way I am. To Him, I am incredibly and irreplaceably beautiful as a son of God, as the Bride of Christ (more on this soon)--and if He were as snarky as I, He might threaten to shoot me for even considering trying to be something I'm not: something other than what He's made me and is making me into.
Now to be sure, most people would say I have no business reading such a book. It's not explicit (it's not that kind of a sex book), but still, I'm a single guy, a virgin who's probably at least a few years away from any sex at all. Why would I tempt myself with such a book? Well, it turns out its not tempting at all. While the context of the book is this woman's year-long journey of sexual intimacy with her husband, it turns out its not really about sex at all. It's about her relationship with her husband, her life, her heart, and how her decision to give intimacy unconditionally every day impacts all of these. At bottom, it's a story about unconditional acts of love--and that is something very relevant to my life.
If you're familiar with my blog at all, you already know that one of the recurring themes of my life is the connection I see between my relationship with God (what I call, the Great Romance) and the romance and relationship that exists between a man and wife. If not, I just traumatized you--if that lead-in didn't already have you traumatized. Oh, well. If all it takes is a random blog post to upset your world, then you have a very flimsy world and you need to give your version of Atlas a coffee-break, or better yet a pink-slip.
Anyway, a couple of months into her year of daily sex, the wife in this book started to notice some unexpected payoffs of her decision. For starters, her intimacy with her husband in the bedroom was translating to more intimacy (non-sexual intimacy--come on, work with me here) outside the bedroom. Because of her unconditional daily acts of love for her husband, she was receiving acts of unconditional love in return (or at least, noticing them more). Now, when her husband took her out to dinner, listened--I mean really listened--to her after a hard day, or just cuddled with her on the sofa, she didn't have this question in back of her mind: Is he doing this because he loves me, or does he just want to get me in bed tonight? The whole question was removed from the equation: he was going to get her in bed that night regardless, so his acts of love were motivated solely by love and were unconditional as well. This really helped sweeten their marriage.
The other thing she noticed was that having lots of sex with her husband made her feel sexy, beautiful, and more confident about herself and her body. At forty, she's hitting the age of wrinkles, sagging, and gray hairs. Meanwhile, fashion marches on relentlessly and these days keeping up with it with one's looks can really break the bank, between waxing, tanning, the gym, whitening, coloring, etc, etc. There's also plastic surgery, with many women her age taking "spa trips" to Cuba and coming back nipped and tucked, looking ten years younger. The woman in the book admitted that she was tempted to make such a trip herself. It's not like I need a new chin or a new nose, she tells herself, but I could use a little work here and a little there...and it's not like anyone would know. Her husband, however, has been adamant that she not get any work, not for the sake of their budget, but for the sake of her beauty. He tells her she's beautiful just the way she is and he doesn't want her to change anything. Besides, what would her actions be telling her middle-school daughter, whom their trying to raise to know that beauty is from the inside out, against the grain of a superficial world.
For the record, I agree with her husband. I would frankly be horrified if any of the women I knew tried to get plastic surgery or if, one day, my someday-future wife did the same. Ladies, you are beautiful just the way God made you. Barring extraneous circumstances--such as horrifically mutilating car accidents--I would shoot you just for thinking of defacing one of His masterpieces by trying to change yourself into something you're not, whether in appearance, body, or personality, character, and calling (okay, I wouldn't really shoot you, but I would be very put out). Let me be clear about this: you are beautiful just as He has made you, just as you are, and your beauty is unique--and owes much of its great value to its uniqueness. Sure, I could name some women who's beauty appears exceptional (though appearances are often deceptive). I'm sure you could as well. Whoever or whatever ideal your thinking of now, you are more beautiful than she is--though likely you do not realize it (which I think makes you more beautiful still). If she were to try to fit into your skin, under your hair, behind your eyes, with your mind, or into your clothes, she would not be able to pull it off, and if you were to trade bodies, faces, hair, eyes, or personality with her it would be defacing to your own beauty--like drawing a mustache and glasses on the Mona Lisa. And of course, any woman who realizes this about her own unique beauty and the beauty of those around her and lives accordingly...her beauty is the greatest of all--and all the world of waxing, coloring, styling, fashion, plastic surgery, dieting and exercise will not allow even the most glamorous woman to eclipse her, or even parallel her.
Climbing down from my soapbox, I can't help but be struck by the way this wife's discoveries apply to my Great Romance with God. What Christ did in giving His life on Cavalry is undoubtedly the greatest unconditional act of love in the whole universe. He did that while each one of us was dead set on running away from Him headlong into sin and Hell. He knew very well that the majority of us would not choose to turn around, and that even those of us who did would need some help just getting to that point. He didn't exactly have a great payoff, and certainly not a guaranteeing one. He did it anyway. His love is unconditional. And if the Cross weren't enough to prove it, He continues to give me little expressions of His unconditional love every single day. I do nothing for it, and if I never gave Him anything in return, He would love me still. There is an indescribable security in that for me. When God shows me favor, when the Bible talks about His love, I don't have to cringe waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't have to worry about what God wants in return and whether or not I'll be able to provide. All He wants is my heart, and He's going to give me daily (hourly, or minutely...or nanosecondly) acts of love whether He gets it or not. He is as relentless as He is faithful. So, I don't have to worry about driving Him away or being unable to satisfy Him. There's freedom in that security, freedom from pressure to perform. Whereas before my thinking place an impossible burden on me to fulfill my "duties" to God, knowing that He'll love me anyway, even if I push Him away, give me the freedom to really love Him. Because He loves me unconditional, I can give Him little unconditional acts of love myself--simply because I want to and not because I think it will obligate Him to bless me.
This applies to the body-image thing, too. Spiritual "body image" is a big issue for me. I know I've been guilty of looking around at other Christians and thinking: wow, doesn't their faith look great! I wish I had their prayer life/discipline/passion/skill in evangelism/reading plan. Maybe then I could be really pleasing to God. I've contemplated the spiritual equivalent of plastic surgery. What if I changed my routine drastically so I could do this spiritual thing? What if I joined this radical movement? Or perhaps less radically: what if I incorporated this little change? Nobody would notice, but maybe it would make my life more attractive to God. Of course, if "nobody would notice," is it really worth it? If the change is so slight as to pass unnoticed, it probably isn't an important change, certainly nothing worth agonizing over and nothing that could actually make God or anyone love me any more. God's unconditional love smashes this whole issue, though. God loves me just the way I am. To Him, I am incredibly and irreplaceably beautiful as a son of God, as the Bride of Christ (more on this soon)--and if He were as snarky as I, He might threaten to shoot me for even considering trying to be something I'm not: something other than what He's made me and is making me into.
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