Some Tips for Perfectionists and Pleasers

I read psychology books recreationally.  Okay, well, that's not entirely true.  I read them on my own, but not for the sheer pleasure of it.  Often, I find things in psychology books, particularly in Christian psychology books, that help me better understand myself, the world around me, and my relationship with God.  That's why I read psychology books.

Lately, I've been reading a lot of books by Christian birth-order psychologist Kevin Leman--and probably driving my friends a little crazy by constantly analyzing their birth-order (it works though!).  That's a topic for another post, though.  Today, I wanted to talk about another concept I found in his books, the concept of the pleaser.

Dr. Leman describes pleasers as people who are oriented toward pleasing others.  It's what they do.  Pleasers (or people-pleasers) care a lot about what other people think and feel.  They're very nice people who like to keep the oceans of life calm and placid for everyone around them, even if that peace for others comes at the expense of peace for the pleaser.  Sometimes being a pleaser's not such a bad thing.  A mild well-adjusted pleaser is easy to get along with, kind and compassionate, easy-going, and yet able to stand up for him or herself at need.  However, being a pleaser can also be a bad thing.  It can mean allowing yourself to get stepped on by others for no good reason, perhaps even enabling their destructive behaviors.  When the pleaser mixes with perfectionism, its a recipe for disaster.  Such a person:

1. Walks on eggshells to keep everyone happy
2. Wonders why he/she can't seem to do anything right
3. Feels insecure, lacking confidence
4. Avoids confronting others at all costs
5. Is driven by a list of things he/she "should" or "aught to" do, rather than by love or passion
6. Feels overpowered by others, especially those close to him/her
7. Gets little love from others
8. Feels like running/hiding from life's hassles
9. Is easily manipulated by guilt
10. Feigns approval and consent, even when feeling the opposite
11. Is easily talked into things by whoever last spoke with him/her
12. Is afraid to try new things and take risks
13. Is embarrassed to stand up for him/herself or take initiative
14. Is frequently disrespected

Obviously, every pleaser may not exhibit each of these signs, but even having some of these can be a hindrance to effectiveness and joy in the kingdom of God.  Therefore, some pieces of advice for pleasers, drawn in part from Dr. Leman and in part from my own experiences as a pleaser:

1. Get rid of perfectionism.  You are not perfect: only God is.  He loves you as you are.  Set more realistic goals for yourself and be content with your best, not perfection.  Refuse to bite off more than you can chew.
2. Have compassion on yourself and forgive yourself when you mess up.  God forgives you and loves you: do you think you know better than Him?  Your guilt is gone.  Stop trying to pay for past sins.
3. Don't compare yourself to others.  You aren't them.  You're not supposed to be.  You are supposed to be no one but yourself, because that is who God made you to be.
4. Refuse to subject your self-worth to other people's opinions.  Your valuation comes from God, who first of all conceived the idea of you in His mind before creation and considered you a worthwhile enough endeavor to include you in His finite Creation.  Further, He considered you worth dying for on the Cross.  He is the only one who truly knows you, and so His determination of your value is not open to debate or public opinion.  People may offer their evaluations on how you did at this or that or how you are in this area of your life, but they have no authority to evaluate your worth as a person.  If they do, they are simply wrong.  They value you too lowly.
5. Related to the above: realize that implicit in the command that you love your neighbor as yourself is the command that you love yourself.  Believe no criticism except what comes from God, for the sake of building you up: Satan and the world criticize to tear you apart and leave you in ruins.
6. Before you apologize for anything, make sure it's your fault.  When it is, apologize only once.  If you are forgiven, move on.  If you are not, forgive them for holding a grudge and move on. (I know that this piece will come especially hard for me: it used to be that "I'm sorry" slipped off my tongue as easily as "good morning").
7. Be willing to take credit for what you do right.  You don't have to go fishing for praise, nor should you, but when it comes your way the appropriate response is thank you, not "Oh, really, it was nothing" or "I really should have done thus-and-so instead," or, worst of all "I'm sorry..."  You can, of course, give praise to God for allowing you to do whatever it was, and even tell the other person that (which can be good), but He used you to get it done and (if you believe the Bible) He fully intends to reward you for it--and He is right in doing so.
8. Learn how to say no, especially when people want your help with something.  Understand that your gut instinct will always be to say yes, no matter how much you've already taken onto your plate, but that sometimes the most loving thing to do is to refuse to volunteer for a task you cannot hope to complete, so that someone else can do a better job of it.
9. Remember that you know right and wrong as good as anyone else.  When you feel wronged, let the offender know immediately, if possible.  There's a difference between turning the other cheek and letting someone unintentionally sin against you for years.
10. Do not shirk from conflict when it is necessary.  Realize that sometimes a storm in someone else's ocean of life is the best thing for them.  This is especially true in areas of discipline, correction, and rebuke.  Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for someone is to slap them in the face when they're acting like a total...well, you know.
11. Don't be ashamed of being a pleaser.  It has its pitfalls, but also its advantages.  Realize that, when you aren't trying to live your life under a stormcloud of other people's/your own unfulfilled expectations, you have a greater ability to perceive the needs of others and act on them with compassion than many of the people around you.  The ability is only available to you when you're not overwhelmed with guilt, self-deprecation, responsibility, and peer pressure, though--so get out from under these by all means so that you can start actually serving and loving the people around you.