I sigh as a read those words from the chat message. I know that once again, I've come up against this guy's uncompromising, all-consuming life philosophy.
He's just 26, pursuing a masters degree so he can teach English. He loves sports and is the closest thing to a genuine Casanova that I know.
He's also chronically ill, perhaps terminally. He won't say. I know his kidneys are failing, though he won't say why or how. His doctor says he needs a transplant, but he hates the idea of taking one. "Someone else might need it more," he says. He's been through dialysis once already and barely walked away with his life. The experience was so hard, he's told me if he ever has to go back, he'll refuse treatment. He'd literally rather die, and he might wind up doing just that, within a few years.
He's also lost. He says he's going to Hell and he knows it. He makes jokes about it sometimes, but he doesn't think its funny. Neither do I. I don't know how many times I've told him the Gospel. He knows it. He says he understands it, and I believe him. He just doesn't want it. The idea of someone else suffering for him is just too much for him. His life is all about suffering for other people. He laughs and says, "I like to tell people I'm the sheep that got lost while it was chasing away the wolf." I'd like to tell him his position sounds and is just as stupid as that analogy. Sheep that chase wolves only succeed in providing really easy appetizers.
But I don't say that. I just heave a sigh, open the chat window, and try to change the topic. I know I won't get anywhere with him. He's blinded by the apparent nobility of "living to make other people happy." In a way, I guess I am too.
Yesterday, I got a job offer. It wasn't much, just a two-day affair really, but my Dad had talked his boss into getting it for me. He suggested that, to avoid the heat of the day, I come with him to work the next morning at 5. I knew from experience that right now I have trouble falling asleep before 10:30. Getting up at 5 would be murder and I knew it. I would be miserable for the rest of the day. Yet when God broke in on my thoughts and told me not to go, I seriously objected. "How am I supposed to refuse this? My Dad went to so much trouble...how can I say no?" Yes, my Dad had gone to some trouble (probably not a lot) to get this little job offer. Yes, it would mean $160 dollars in the bank, and yes, he really wants me to be saving up money for college and afterwards. But I never asked him to dig up this offer and there are ways to make money that don't involve soul-crushingly early mornings. Why did I feel compelled to accept just because he was offering?
Today, I'm doing the dishes. I don't want to do them, but they need doing. Someone else in the house mentioned them first and everyone moaned and groaned at the prospect, so I volunteered. I don't want to do the dishes and I know it's distracting me from what I should be focusing on today, but I don't want to disappoint everybody. I feel compelled to do it in order to avoid displeasing them.
I think that's really what a great deal of my resistance is about. God has so many wonderful things planned for my life (I'm not just or even mainly talking about the last two posts--I've noticed that despite the warnings they've gathered quite a bit of pageviews). They tug at my heart, but I resist. Writing takes a long time, I think. And for years you have nothing to show for it: what will people think of me? My webcomic is fun, but it doesn't make any money, people with think I'm just a bum. Gee, I can't even get my posts up on time! They'll think I'm a failure too. The thoughts keep coming. And yes, there's also: There's nothing people see as less spiritual than liking a girl. What will people think if they know I'm praying about her all the time? What'll they think of me if they know how big of a deal it is in my spiritual life? It doesn't matter that I know better. It doesn't matter that I have a lot of good stories to show for my writing and that, eventually, I'll have much more. It doesn't matter that the point of the webcomic isn't to make money or that it requires real work. It doesn't matter that I have done my best to get the posts up on time and have legitimate reasons for why it wasn't possible. It doesn't even matter that I know that God understands all this and is screaming for me to just slow down and follow Him. I resist because I'm afraid of disappointing people.
My mind goes back to the absurd figure of the lost young man, visibly wasting, who swears to give his life to make other people happy. No one asked him to do it, people have offered just the opposite, but he insists even though in his condition he really can't even make himself happy, let alone everyone else. Making other people happy is his life, though, and often isn't it ours? We're nice people, every one of us, but we're killing ourselves and accomplishing nothing because this wasn't how our lives were meant to be.
It's worth noting that the idea of making the happiness of others the center-point of our lives is totally un-Biblical. Yes, the Bible does say, "Love your neighbor as yourself" and "Bear one another's burdens," yet it also says that another command comes before loving our neighbor and that we are to bear one another's burdens in order to fulfill the law of Christ--not in order to make one another happy (Matthew 22:37-39 and Galatians 6:2). It is worth noting, too, that there is no verse that says the point of our existence is to please other people. Our Maker knows why He made us, and even goes to the trouble to spell it out. Proverbs 16:4 says, "The Lord has made all for Himself." We don't really struggle with that when it comes to contemplating the furthest galaxy away (which humankind will never see) or subatomic physics (which humankind will never really understand, it seems--but then I am not a physics major!). Of course God made those things for Himself. We probably don't even really struggle when it comes to rocks and tress. But this verse is talking about people:
Now it's true that God has given us commands on how to relate properly to one another and that following them may very well make other people happy (sometimes). I'm not downplaying the importance of loving other people. What I'm saying is that we've made others into idols, and we have made far too little of loving God--which is our only true purpose.
So, today, I did the dishes, but only when God told me to, when the Spirit directed me over there because I needed time to digest what I'd just written here, in order to apply it for His glory. Tomorrow, I'll accept my Dad's offer, but on different terms. I'll work four days of evenings instead of killing myself for two early mornings. The time outside will bring me closer to my Maker, especially when sunset comes--the gardens I'll be weeding will have the best seats in the house!
As for my friend, he says in a few days he might be driving across the country to get back together with a girl he doesn't really want to be with anymore. I doubt God wants him to be with her either, but, as he says, "I live to make other people happy."
And I live for a higher purpose.
He's just 26, pursuing a masters degree so he can teach English. He loves sports and is the closest thing to a genuine Casanova that I know.
He's also chronically ill, perhaps terminally. He won't say. I know his kidneys are failing, though he won't say why or how. His doctor says he needs a transplant, but he hates the idea of taking one. "Someone else might need it more," he says. He's been through dialysis once already and barely walked away with his life. The experience was so hard, he's told me if he ever has to go back, he'll refuse treatment. He'd literally rather die, and he might wind up doing just that, within a few years.
He's also lost. He says he's going to Hell and he knows it. He makes jokes about it sometimes, but he doesn't think its funny. Neither do I. I don't know how many times I've told him the Gospel. He knows it. He says he understands it, and I believe him. He just doesn't want it. The idea of someone else suffering for him is just too much for him. His life is all about suffering for other people. He laughs and says, "I like to tell people I'm the sheep that got lost while it was chasing away the wolf." I'd like to tell him his position sounds and is just as stupid as that analogy. Sheep that chase wolves only succeed in providing really easy appetizers.
But I don't say that. I just heave a sigh, open the chat window, and try to change the topic. I know I won't get anywhere with him. He's blinded by the apparent nobility of "living to make other people happy." In a way, I guess I am too.
Yesterday, I got a job offer. It wasn't much, just a two-day affair really, but my Dad had talked his boss into getting it for me. He suggested that, to avoid the heat of the day, I come with him to work the next morning at 5. I knew from experience that right now I have trouble falling asleep before 10:30. Getting up at 5 would be murder and I knew it. I would be miserable for the rest of the day. Yet when God broke in on my thoughts and told me not to go, I seriously objected. "How am I supposed to refuse this? My Dad went to so much trouble...how can I say no?" Yes, my Dad had gone to some trouble (probably not a lot) to get this little job offer. Yes, it would mean $160 dollars in the bank, and yes, he really wants me to be saving up money for college and afterwards. But I never asked him to dig up this offer and there are ways to make money that don't involve soul-crushingly early mornings. Why did I feel compelled to accept just because he was offering?
Today, I'm doing the dishes. I don't want to do them, but they need doing. Someone else in the house mentioned them first and everyone moaned and groaned at the prospect, so I volunteered. I don't want to do the dishes and I know it's distracting me from what I should be focusing on today, but I don't want to disappoint everybody. I feel compelled to do it in order to avoid displeasing them.
I think that's really what a great deal of my resistance is about. God has so many wonderful things planned for my life (I'm not just or even mainly talking about the last two posts--I've noticed that despite the warnings they've gathered quite a bit of pageviews). They tug at my heart, but I resist. Writing takes a long time, I think. And for years you have nothing to show for it: what will people think of me? My webcomic is fun, but it doesn't make any money, people with think I'm just a bum. Gee, I can't even get my posts up on time! They'll think I'm a failure too. The thoughts keep coming. And yes, there's also: There's nothing people see as less spiritual than liking a girl. What will people think if they know I'm praying about her all the time? What'll they think of me if they know how big of a deal it is in my spiritual life? It doesn't matter that I know better. It doesn't matter that I have a lot of good stories to show for my writing and that, eventually, I'll have much more. It doesn't matter that the point of the webcomic isn't to make money or that it requires real work. It doesn't matter that I have done my best to get the posts up on time and have legitimate reasons for why it wasn't possible. It doesn't even matter that I know that God understands all this and is screaming for me to just slow down and follow Him. I resist because I'm afraid of disappointing people.
My mind goes back to the absurd figure of the lost young man, visibly wasting, who swears to give his life to make other people happy. No one asked him to do it, people have offered just the opposite, but he insists even though in his condition he really can't even make himself happy, let alone everyone else. Making other people happy is his life, though, and often isn't it ours? We're nice people, every one of us, but we're killing ourselves and accomplishing nothing because this wasn't how our lives were meant to be.
It's worth noting that the idea of making the happiness of others the center-point of our lives is totally un-Biblical. Yes, the Bible does say, "Love your neighbor as yourself" and "Bear one another's burdens," yet it also says that another command comes before loving our neighbor and that we are to bear one another's burdens in order to fulfill the law of Christ--not in order to make one another happy (Matthew 22:37-39 and Galatians 6:2). It is worth noting, too, that there is no verse that says the point of our existence is to please other people. Our Maker knows why He made us, and even goes to the trouble to spell it out. Proverbs 16:4 says, "The Lord has made all for Himself." We don't really struggle with that when it comes to contemplating the furthest galaxy away (which humankind will never see) or subatomic physics (which humankind will never really understand, it seems--but then I am not a physics major!). Of course God made those things for Himself. We probably don't even really struggle when it comes to rocks and tress. But this verse is talking about people:
The Lord has made all for Himself, Yes, even the wicked for the day of doom.Think about it. God says He made everything, even Hitler and that crabby guy who just cut you off, for Himself. Now if that's true, what are the odds He made you and me to please people? "The Lord made everything for Himself, even the wicked--but He made Aaron purely to fulfill other people's expectations and make them happy." That isn't a verse in the Bible. The Bible is clear, from numerous passages, that we were made for God's sole pleasure, enjoyment, and glory. That gives a strong answer to all my people-pleasing thoughts. God made me to glorify Himself, not so that my Dad would have a son who would never disappoint Him. I was made to please God, not be productive. I exist to bring God pleasure, not to fulfill other's expectations.
Now it's true that God has given us commands on how to relate properly to one another and that following them may very well make other people happy (sometimes). I'm not downplaying the importance of loving other people. What I'm saying is that we've made others into idols, and we have made far too little of loving God--which is our only true purpose.
So, today, I did the dishes, but only when God told me to, when the Spirit directed me over there because I needed time to digest what I'd just written here, in order to apply it for His glory. Tomorrow, I'll accept my Dad's offer, but on different terms. I'll work four days of evenings instead of killing myself for two early mornings. The time outside will bring me closer to my Maker, especially when sunset comes--the gardens I'll be weeding will have the best seats in the house!
As for my friend, he says in a few days he might be driving across the country to get back together with a girl he doesn't really want to be with anymore. I doubt God wants him to be with her either, but, as he says, "I live to make other people happy."
And I live for a higher purpose.
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