Here, I come to a very difficult part in my recollections of my unconventional relationship with God. I will attempt to describe in this post some rare and incredible moments and experiences. I'm not sure I can describe them accurately though, and I know that what I have to say will sound extreme to anyone without some sort of background understanding of mysticism or some special spiritual experiences of their own. If this doesn't describe you, what I say probably will make zero sense to you and you might find it very offensive. Please, don't forget about that "back" button on your browser. They say it's the most commonly used button on the internet, and if you feel you have to use it now, I understand.
Frankly, I'm not sure how to begin this. I've written about how my relationship with God is like a romantic relationship in that God pursues me in a way that's similar to how a man pursues a woman in a romantic relationship. I've also written about how I have conversations with God at times. The similarity doesn't end there.
For one thing, God has declared to me several times in the past month or so, at least, that His goal in this relationship is to win my heart. I can't describe the kind of impact that has on me. I never would have thought that it was even among God's goals. I mean, He's God! He has so much to do: a universe to run, billions of people to save, a world full of problems that need fixing, Satan and his armies of fallen angels to defeat...He doesn't seem to have a moment to spare. But He has all the time He needs, and He can do with it whatever seems good to Him. He has time for me. Even knowing this, though, I didn't expect God would care so much for winning my heart. If He was involved in my life, then I thought surely He would have something better to do, like sending me out on evangelistic crusades or helping me to memorize whole books of the Bible or writing the great American novel. But He's up to something He considers more important than spinning galaxies or any work I could do in my life: He's wooing His Bride. The Church is the Bride of Christ (Ephesians 5:31-32) and He makes the wooing of every member a top priority. He makes winning my heart a top priority. To realize that stills my greatest fears and makes my dreams pale in comparison.
I should also say, He's very good at what He does. He knows right where to hit me. He knows what things will soften my heart to Him and He doesn't waste that knowledge. He will lead me to songs, places, and topics that steal into my heart and awaken my love for Him. He sometimes says mushy things to me and declares His love quite often.
There are special moments of intimacy when the love I feel in response to Him and His love seems overwhelming. At times like this, it's hard to move or think clearly--but it's ever so much fun! It happens most often late at night, as I'm in bed waiting around for sleep to come. I'll start praying, and He'll say something that makes me feel all special inside. Then, all I want to do is nestle close to Him and feel His arms around me.
In a way, I sometimes think I do. I snuggle under the covers and I can imagine a hand caressing me. I really don't feel anything, not really, but sometimes I think, maybe this is God.
I know this all sounds silly. I probably sound like some teenage girl going on about her boyfriend. It's ridiculous but that's how I feel sometimes. I know that God is not a man. God is a Spirit and (with the exception of Jesus who was both fully God and fully human) He has no physical body with which to touch or hold in any normal human sense. If He did, it would be very weird, as I am not a teenage girl cozying up to her boyfriend--decidedly not! I am a completely heterosexual adult male. My soul is male (I believe there is a difference--though all are equal, there is still a distinction as difference and equality can coexist), and masculine things appeal to it (ex: all the things Eldredge talks about in Wild at Heart, plus I love to blow stuff up and light stuff on fire, etc). Yet CS Lewis once said that God is so masculine that all our souls are feminine in relationship to Him. I think that's the best way to describe it. Christ was and is masculine. When He came to earth, He was in a completely male human body. Yet there is a passage of Proverbs 8 which some hold (and I would agree) speaks of the second person of the Trinity (Christ) as "Wisdom" personified and pictures Him as feminine in His relationship with the Father. So also my soul is feminine in its relationship toward God, in that this is the complementary role it assumes. There are other analogies that can be applied. In addition to picturing the God-man relationship as a husband-wife relationship, the Bible pictures it as a father-son relationship. Both are true, and both have their limits. The former just happens to be my favorite for now. It is my hope that you do not misunderstand.
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