Here, I continue my recollection of my relationship with God. Specifically, I want to write here about how God communicates to me. It's a very real part of my spiritual life, an almost daily occurrence that can guide my decisions at all levels from something as big as my general career path to something as small as which way I turn out of the driveway. He does not always guide me so, sometimes simply because I am unwilling to let Him and sometimes because He leaves the decision entirely in my hands, but at times He does express Himself on every topic.
My communication with God is also a highly controversial part of my spiritual life. There are some Christian figures today who seem to proclaim it is normal and healthy, such as John Eldredge. But I've also seen a book discouraging people from seeking the kind of guidance from God that I've experienced. A friend of mine and a respected man of the church I attend in Fort Collins has repeatedly expressed his opinion that such contact with God is un-Biblical and warned me personally that it made me more vulnerable to sin. His reasoning was that if God told me, say, to buy a red car instead of a blue car, then it would be sin for me to buy a blue car. But, if God told me nothing, then I could buy either color car without sinning. I thank my friend for his concern (if he's reading this, he knows who he is), but I find his argument unappealing and somewhat misleading. I could as well say that reading the Bible is sin, because it (in exactly the same way) makes me more vulnerable to sin. After all, if I read in the Bible that there is no God but the Lord and that He will not tolerate the worship of any other god besides Himself, then naturally it would be a sin for me to then go out and pray to idols. But if I have never read the Bible nor heard any such thing, might I not innocently assume that there are lots of gods out there and that the Lord won't get jealous if I pray to one or two on the side? Taken to this extreme, the argument falls apart. Communication with God always reveals potentials for sin, and sometimes that is exactly God's point in communicating (Romans 7:7-9 for example). As for whether or not it is Biblical, that I cannot say for certain. The Bible often declares that God said something without revealing exactly how it was said. Was it an audible voice? Was it a voice inside the person's head? Was it through fire in the sky, the flight of birds, fish guts, the casting of lots, or omens? Usually, the Bible ignores the question and skips to the important part of delivering God's message. What is clear from the Bible, especially the books of the prophets and historical books (though examples exist in the New Testament as well), is that God does "speak" to people in a variety of ways on pretty much every topic of life, from when and how to go to war (2 Samuel 5:19-25) to whom to marry and what to name one's children (Hosea 1:2-4).
Nevertheless, I am aware that hearing from God is a controversial topic and that claiming it sounds insane and potentially heretical. Thus, I rarely mention it and have openly described it probably only three or four times in my life (and those in complete confidentiality). Yet my relationship with God, my life, and this blog (which is, as I've said before, is more open and honest then I usually am--and thus alludes to hearing from God quite frequently) make no sense without it, so I will write about it. If you find this offends you, remember what I said last time about the back button. It's still there, in the upper left-hand corner of your screen and I'm sure it still works just fine.
God speaks to me. There, I said it! I talk to God through prayer, and He talks back. I used to say that all the time, back in high school and before, but I would add something. I'd say "I talk to God through prayer, and He talks to me through His word." It was a trite little Christian saying I'd learned to parrot, but wasn't really sure what it meant. I read the Bible, to be sure and would try to interpret it in a way that was relevant to my life, but I can't say that there was much speaking going on. Sometimes, a passage would hit me, like it was written just for me, but those times were rare. It wasn't like it is now. There was no back and forth, no dialogue. I prayed to God, but if there was any communication in response, I was largely unaware.
Now, I can say I hear God, though not audibly. What I experience is like a voice inside my head or my heart. It isn't audible. No one around me hears it and I technically speaking don't hear it either (since my ears perceive no sonic vibrations--yes, I'm a nerd). Instead, it's like my thoughts are running along, speaking silently, as it were, and then another voice joins my own and an internal dialogue is formed. Except it isn't truly internal. As a novelist, I've made up dialogue lines in my head and played out the truly internal dialogue with my thoughts giving voice to both sides. I've also debated decisions as well making the case for one and then the other with my thoughts as another sort of truly internal dialogue. My dialogue with God is not truly internal for, although the location seems to be internal one of the speakers is not. I cannot predict or fabricate His lines as I can my own. I cannot exactly explain it or justify it, but I know instinctively that the other voice is no part of myself but is God. In a similar way, on a handful of occasions, I have perceived other voices, malicious voices of Satan or of demons. Again, I know instinctively that they're not of me and that they're also not of God--that they're evil. Once, while on the road I heard in the same manner a voice that identified itself as an angel and delivered a message of comfort that nearly brought tears to my eyes, and which I knew was not from me but from God. Again, I cannot say how I know these aren't from me, I just do. On one occasion, I've tried to demonstrate to people that what I've heard from God cannot possibly be my own fabrication. I've pointed out that (on occasion) this voice reveals to me things I could not possibly know (such as when this voice revealed to me that "by the full of the moon" my strictly-friendly relationship with a girl--which showed no sign of altering at the time--would start to develop into something more, which it did on the very day of next full moon) or leads me to do things I would not normally be inclined to do (such as--again, with the same girl--directing my attention toward a particular young lady I had previously overlooked when I was busy looking for my next crush elsewhere--more on this in another part). But my arguments were dismissed and the alternative (and, in my opinion, unsupportable) idea that the voice might be generated by my own lust or fear was postulated. People disbelieve me, and I can't say I blame them. Who ever heard of such a thing as a college kid hearing from God? If it wasn't the reality of my life, I'm not sure I'd believe it myself.
As I said before, I wasn't always like this, nor did it happen all at once. I used to have rare intense moments when I knew that God was communicating something to me and could even tell you what it was, but "heard" nothing. When I was in middle school or grade school, I remember sitting in the back of the car as my dad drove a homeless man some place and being overcome quite suddenly with the inexplicable knowledge that God wanted me to give the man my pocket New Testament, which I did. Later, when I was in high school, I remember sitting in my room late one night filled with bitterness from guilt and self-hatred, trying to cut myself. I couldn't get the knife wouldn't break the skin. I suddenly somehow knew that this was God, not a dull knife or lack of nerves, that He was deliberately protecting me from myself. That time, I'm afraid I lost my temper at Him and punched a hole in my sweat-top with the knife, since I could do no other damage. In college, I began to actually hear as I do now. It started at men's prayer meetings, early in the morning on Fridays. A bunch of college age men from the campus ministry would meet in the basement of this house off campus and pray for the world and for the university. Afterwards, at our leader's direction, we paired off and prayed for each other. But there was a catch, at these times: we couldn't ask each other what we should pray for. Our leader, Andy Hlushak, wanted us to ask the Spirit of God what He wanted us to pray for our partner. So we did. I don't know how it worked out for the other guys. For me, it was hard the first time. I had to ask several times and try to quiet my thoughts before I received any answer, and then I had to have it repeated a couple times in order to believe I'd heard correctly (oftentimes I still do). Over time, it became a little easier. Soon, I began to experience moments of God speaking to me in my prayers, responding back to me and sometimes just in everyday life.
That's about how it is now. I don't always hear God when I pray. I try to always listen, but sometimes, He just doesn't speak. He has His own reasons for that. As for what He says, we talk about all kinds of things. Sometimes, it's a command He gives me. Sometimes (not very often) He tells me what's going to happen (though when He does, I've learned it's easy for me to misunderstand Him--not mishear the words but think that they mean something other than what He intends: for instance in the matter of my relationship with the girl beginning to develop into something more, I thought He meant that by the full of the moon we would start going out, beginning a steady romantic relationship which would culminate in marriage. That's not what He said, though, only that our relationship would begin to develop into something more--which it did: on that day we began to publicly and openly consider a romantic relationship, a process which some claim [and not without basis] made us more than friends for a month or so, after which we decided not to get into a romantic relationship and to return to be strictly just friends). Oftentimes, He speaks words of comfort, encouragement, or exhortation to me (many times referencing or quoting scripture), and sometimes He just makes conversation. This is one of the central parts of my unconventional relationship with God and it's a big part of what makes our relationship real to me.
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