"Nice Guys" and the "Good Guy Rebellion"

So, last Friday on the Navigator's retreat, I found a book they were selling called No More Christian Nice Guy by Paul Coughlin:"When being nice--instead of good--hurts men, women, and children".  I was intrigued and bought it.  I began reading it over the weekend (I actually finished it on Monday after my return), and have been mulling over what it said for a week now.

It is, essentially, a book about the epidemic of masculine passivity.  The "nice" guy, Coughlin declares, is not really a good man.  He is driven by fear of conflict and the legalistic idea of universal politeness.  True godly masculinity is often embroiled in conflict and is often (especially in our day) socially unacceptable (Jesus demonstrated masculinity's rougher side in His heated interactions with the Pharisees--wherein He was certainly good rather than "nice").  This being the case, the "nice" guy plasters his masculinity (in part or whole) over with a facade of more acceptable "niceness."  The "nice" guy is the polar opposite of the brute.  The brute overdoes his masculine roughness because he doesn't know how to really be a man; the "nice" guy hides his masculine roughness because he's afraid of it.

I could see all this and how it played out in and was contributed to by our culture, something Coughlin spent a great deal of time on.  He also argued that many churches were contributing to the problem by de-emphasizing Jesus' rougher side, elevating virtues of passivity and politeness, and catering almost exclusively to women.  This last seriously bothers me and I've noticed it too, before I even read Coughlin's book.  Think about it.  Dig out the nearest church bulletin you can find.  Count up the number of women's events--event's catering exclusively to women, with the word "women's" in their title, just to simplify things.  I count 4 in my bulletin, which seems to be a fair average.  Now do the same for events catering to men.  I count zero, which is the same number I come up with every Sunday.  In one week, the church I attend announces 4 events exclusively for women and in four years I've only heard of 4 events offered exclusively for men.  In this way, the church merely reflects our culture, where women's support groups, advocacy offices, clubs, and scholarships are everywhere and often no equivalents exist for men.  If we want to know why women now outnumber men both at church and in the school, we need look no farther.  Sexism is coming full circle.

Now, this is all very interesting and I am very passionate about it, to be sure, but this is not why I read Coughlin's book in three days (something I never do) or why I feel compelled to blog about it now, here.  Why I devoured his book was because I was interested in what he said about the "Christian Nice Guy," the male who thought manliness was ungodly and passivity was a virtue.  I was fascinated because I discovered I was one.  Coughlin--an ex-CNG (Christian Nice Guy) himself--gives a list of questions by which a CNG can be identified.  He says, "If you answer yes to one or two, the nice guy problem is in your blood and it may well get worse.  Yes to three to five, and you're a runaway train of destruction--with a deceptive smiley face on the locomotive."  He then lists 24 questions, 5 of which are inapplicable because they address married men.  The others are as follows, along with my original answers:

Do you dismiss or never discuss parts of the Bible where Jesus isn't nice? "Yes." 

When wondering "WWJD" do you assume a gentle response? "Yes."

Do you think conflict and anger are sins? "Yes."

Are you the guy at church who never says no to an assignment, even if it diminishes other important aspects of your life? "No."

Do you think that being nice, observing etiquette, and knowingly allowing yourself to be used by others nevertheless leads people to salvation? "Yes."

Do you find yourself saying one thing to one person and something different to another? "At times, yes."

Do you smile even when you don't like what's happening to you, then rant and fume about it later? "Yes."

Do you hide your mistakes, even when the consequences are little or none? "Yes."

Do you find yourself working for abusive bosses? "No."

Do you make less money than you know you should? "No."

Do you feel embarrassed when people compliment you? "Oh, yeah!"

Are you envious when you see other men showing deep emotion? "Yes."

Do women like talking with you, but then show no romantic interest? "Yes.  0 for 4 cannot be a coincidence."

Do you think it's selfish to have your own wants and desires? "Yes."

Do you think avoiding conflict will make your life better? "Yes."

If someone is angry with you, do you automatically believe or sense that they're right to feel that way? "Yes."

Do you hide your flaws, even from those close to you? "Yes."

Does fear often stop you from moving ahead? "Yes."

Do you think being nice will make you stand out among other men? "Yes."

That's 16 "yes," where only five were required for positive identification as a CNG.  My first thought upon seeing this was, "Oh, snap!  I've got a big problem!"  I was right.  As Coughlin unfolded his description of the CNG, I saw more and more how it fit the way my life has been for much of the past 21 years.  The good news is that "nice" guy's aren't born, they're made--and as such, can be unmade: freeing the Christian good guys God made them to be.  In my case, I discovered that, looking back for the roots of my issues, I was raised a "nice" guy.  My Dad is a CNG, recovering (to some extent) from legalistic standards based on social refinement rather than godliness, and still passive about many things, including--tragically for the church he's pastoring--evangelism.  My Mom has some female variant, I'm sure, as many of her morals seem built around social taboos rather than the Bible and she demonstrates low self-worth by allowing herself to be used as a doormat--a hallmark of the CNG.  This last is especially evident whenever she's sick, debilitated by pain or nausea, and it takes a conspiracy of the whole family to keep her out of the kitchen and get her to lie down--for she insists on trying to cook and clean while she can hardly stay upright, though she knows that every other member of our family is equally capable of these tasks and have often assumed them before she can stagger in to try to take over.  While both godly "good guys" and CNG's are willing to suffer for others, their behavior and motivations are markedly different.  Good guys are willing to suffer for others when necessary, because they love as Christ commanded and see the worth of the other person, as God sees.  CNG insist on suffering "for others" when its unnecessary, not because of love for others or belief in the worthiness of others, but because of an underlying belief of the CNG that they themselves are essentially worthless and deserve to suffer even (and especially) if it does no one any good (in fact, a CNG will likely shirk from suffering for a worthy cause or in a necessary situation for fear of making things worse).  My Mom's insistence on needless suffering seems to stem from a CNG-like mentality.

I love my parents.  I think they're Christians who try hard to honor God the best they know how, but they've swallowed some CNG lies whole and passed them on to me, through their values and excessive discipline before I entered middle school.  In collusion with the culture around me, they (no doubt without knowing what they were doing) impressed upon me ideals of passivity, devalued true masculinity (which is never passive--even on the cross, no one took Jesus's life: He gave it for love of us and of the Father [John 10:15, 17-18]), and undermined my self-worth.  During my middle-school and early teenage years, I rebelled in secret against them, falling into sinful addictions--hiding them from everyone, including myself.  The damage was extensive, amplifying the CNG problem.  Sin, in my case, led not only to feelings of guilt for what I'd done, but feelings of shame for who I was as a person.  My self-esteem tanked, but I'd been raised to think that didn't matter.  I specialized in self-deprecating humor, not because I thought it was funny but because I thought it was true.  I fell to "punishing" myself by cutting myself.  I thought about suicide, but couldn't seriously consider it because it wouldn't be "nice" to others.  As it was, I considered myself a monster: loved by others only because they couldn't see who I really was, and merely tolerated by God whose great wrath at me was only restrained by my faith in Christ.  I truly believed that the only impact I could possibly have on the world was negative.  Fearing this, I earnestly prayed and sought to have no impact whatsoever.  I avoided conflict and meaningful activities because I feared them.  More than once I prayed that God would just kill me in my sleep.

But God was a hero, a real warrior rescuing me from this mess.  When I cut myself, He protected me and I never drew much blood or caused any lasting harm.  Often I could not even break the skin.  This frustrated me immensely because of my shame and self-hatred.  How dare God protect a monster like me, I thought.  But God, from the moment He began to speak to my heart spoke of love and of the worth He saw in me--His creation, His son, and the purchase of His blood.  My wrestling with that is written of in my August entry "To Walk with Him in White."  It took a while, but eventually I came around.  He never gave up on me, and eventually I started believing what He said: that I really was redeemed as a person, and was a saint rather than a monster.  I began questioning my legalistic morality and finding real godly principles to live by.  I realized God as the Lover of my soul rather than its reluctant master.  In reading Coughlin's book, all of these things, which seemed so separate in my mind came together.  I'm now committed to what Coughlin calls "the Good Guy Rebellion."  It's manifesto and creed is the Bible, including the parts where Jesus isn't nice.  It's purpose and goal is to live lives of true, genuine, godly masculinity--forsaking passivity and facades and facing down fears.  I am committed to being a real man now, instead of a just a nice guy.  I do not know exactly what that entails or what it will end up looking like, but I know God will guide me and I will end up looking more like Him and glorifying Him more.  I am excited to chart a new course for my life, especially as I consider how few have gone before me and how great a legacy these godly men have left behind.  I understand it will not be easy.  I do not ask for easy--I know my God will bear me up through all difficulties and give me victory over every obstacle.  What I do ask is that it be worth it--and I see it as the noblest cause I can devote my life to, especially today as it becomes more critical with each passing year as the epidemic of male passivity spreads and deepens.

I ask you, reader, to join me.  If you're a man, be a good, godly, active man.  If you're "nice" rather than good, find the lies you believe and apply God's truth.  Seek professional help if necessary (Coughlin found it necessary).  If you're a woman, be a godly woman (whatever that looks like: consult the Bible and godly women in your life): in addition to being the right thing to do (as if you need another reason), it encourages godly masculinity in the guys around you.  Whatever your situation, I ask that you also pray for me, and other Christian men, for it's only by God's grace, power, and love that we'll accomplish our goals and be who and what we're meant to be.