Written on my birthday:
This is the song I'm listening to right now, one of the songs I listened to earlier today. My collection of Taylor Swift CDs and my walkman (they are not ancient: I just got mine in January) have gotten me through many a shift when I should technically be unconscious due to only having had four hours of sleep (stupid night-owl tendencies). Last night I had more sleep, but it was the end of an 8-day workweek where I've been covering for my partner, so I decided to take my walkman along.
If you're familiar with some of my previous posts, you know that when I listen to many love songs, I attach more significance to them than the artists generally intend. Since I see, from the Bible, that the relationship between Christ and the Church--God and me--is to be a Great Romance, I sometimes listen to love songs as applying to the love between God and me. "State of Grace", for instance, has become my favorite song because I listen to it as telling how God surprises me and meets me in the middle of my hectic "touch and go" life and how, while my relationship with Him is far from perfect (I mean, I'm in it, and I'm not perfect) it is in "a state of grace" and constitutes a "worthwhile fight." When I listened to "The Way I Loved You" today, I had the same frame of mind, taking the song as being about God and me, though knowing Taylor Swift intended it to be about her and some guy. It was not the first time I did it with this song, but it had a particular impact today.
The song is from the point of view of a girl who is comparing her current boyfriend to her ex, to whom she sings. The first two verses describe how perfect her new boyfriend is. He says and does all the right things and all of her single friends are jealous, he gets along with her family...he's a nice, charming, endearing man--but she doesn't feel anything for him, and he can't even tell. In the choruses and in the end, the girl describes the rocky-but-heartfelt relationship she had with her ex. She concludes that even though their relationship was troubled it was "a rollercoaster-kind of rush/ and I never knew I could feel that much" and she wants him back despite the turbulent emotions because "that's the way I loved you!"
Like I said, I've applied this song to my walk with Christ before. To me, it was about the contrast between a relationship that outwardly looked fine but had no heart and one that might appear chaotic, but was right on track because it was from the heart. Honestly, this has been a struggle for me. I associate being a "good Christian" with doing so many outward things: faithful Bible reading, prayer lists a mile long, general respectable behavior, church attendance, etc...you get the idea. While all of these things can be good, I wind up doing them mechanically. While I count chapters read recently to rate my performance, my heart grows cold. If I do well enough in my performance, I look like I have an excellent Christian life--like everything's smooth sailing between me and God, but I don't feel "anything at all." But if I do live from my heart, if I do let my faith affect my heart, it is no longer a stable, neat-looking thing. My emotions are, surprisingly, not always positive and my heart can be a troubled place. If I let my relationship with God in there, it can get rocked. I can wind up "screaming and fighting" with God over all the situations I get into, over all the "heart-surgeries" he performs. It isn't safe, but it's worth it. There are some golden moments, and the relationship is very real. Outward things may make me look like I've got it all together, but if I'm going to really love God, it has to be at the heart--even if it's turbulent and unpredictable that's the way I love Him.
I listened to the song today at noon and, as it ended, God offered me a choice. He wanted to know which I wanted to live, a life that outwardly looks good, but where I feel nothing, or a I-never-knew-I-could-feel-that-much life that's outwardly messy, but lived from a full heart. I knew that Christ did not come and die for me to look presentable on the outside. He died to give me life on the inside. He came so that I might have not just life, but abundant life (John 10:10)! I knew what the right decision was and, despite the drama and my reservations, I knew that "screaming and fighting and kissin' in the rain" was the way I loved God. So I prayed for a fully-felt life, lived from the heart.
At 2pm, a good friend of mine began texting me to say that, because of the various things that were going wrong in his life, he did not want to live any longer. I became very anxious and wound up calling the police who took him in to get help at a local hospital. Later he called me, and guessing I was the one who informed the police, thanked me and assured me he was unharmed. We talked for a couple of hours during the night until he went to see the psychiatrist and was released. He's now planning on moving to another state, where his work and housing situations, at least, stand to improve.
So, it did not take long at all for a fully-felt life to come. Involving myself in my friend's troubles meant exposing myself to the disappointment and confusion, and to admitting my own dismay at not knowing how to "fix" the problems that were devastating him. Calling the police meant taking the risk of embarrassing him and losing the friendship. People who've heard about this happening on my birthday have assumed it ruined it. But it didn't. It was something I fully felt and in the end I had the great privileged of, in some small way, giving life to my friend...as Christ has given me life. It made me love Him more and realize more how much I am loved. It may have been a turbulent day with God's ironic sense of timing...but that's the way I love Him.
This is the song I'm listening to right now, one of the songs I listened to earlier today. My collection of Taylor Swift CDs and my walkman (they are not ancient: I just got mine in January) have gotten me through many a shift when I should technically be unconscious due to only having had four hours of sleep (stupid night-owl tendencies). Last night I had more sleep, but it was the end of an 8-day workweek where I've been covering for my partner, so I decided to take my walkman along.
If you're familiar with some of my previous posts, you know that when I listen to many love songs, I attach more significance to them than the artists generally intend. Since I see, from the Bible, that the relationship between Christ and the Church--God and me--is to be a Great Romance, I sometimes listen to love songs as applying to the love between God and me. "State of Grace", for instance, has become my favorite song because I listen to it as telling how God surprises me and meets me in the middle of my hectic "touch and go" life and how, while my relationship with Him is far from perfect (I mean, I'm in it, and I'm not perfect) it is in "a state of grace" and constitutes a "worthwhile fight." When I listened to "The Way I Loved You" today, I had the same frame of mind, taking the song as being about God and me, though knowing Taylor Swift intended it to be about her and some guy. It was not the first time I did it with this song, but it had a particular impact today.
The song is from the point of view of a girl who is comparing her current boyfriend to her ex, to whom she sings. The first two verses describe how perfect her new boyfriend is. He says and does all the right things and all of her single friends are jealous, he gets along with her family...he's a nice, charming, endearing man--but she doesn't feel anything for him, and he can't even tell. In the choruses and in the end, the girl describes the rocky-but-heartfelt relationship she had with her ex. She concludes that even though their relationship was troubled it was "a rollercoaster-kind of rush/ and I never knew I could feel that much" and she wants him back despite the turbulent emotions because "that's the way I loved you!"
Like I said, I've applied this song to my walk with Christ before. To me, it was about the contrast between a relationship that outwardly looked fine but had no heart and one that might appear chaotic, but was right on track because it was from the heart. Honestly, this has been a struggle for me. I associate being a "good Christian" with doing so many outward things: faithful Bible reading, prayer lists a mile long, general respectable behavior, church attendance, etc...you get the idea. While all of these things can be good, I wind up doing them mechanically. While I count chapters read recently to rate my performance, my heart grows cold. If I do well enough in my performance, I look like I have an excellent Christian life--like everything's smooth sailing between me and God, but I don't feel "anything at all." But if I do live from my heart, if I do let my faith affect my heart, it is no longer a stable, neat-looking thing. My emotions are, surprisingly, not always positive and my heart can be a troubled place. If I let my relationship with God in there, it can get rocked. I can wind up "screaming and fighting" with God over all the situations I get into, over all the "heart-surgeries" he performs. It isn't safe, but it's worth it. There are some golden moments, and the relationship is very real. Outward things may make me look like I've got it all together, but if I'm going to really love God, it has to be at the heart--even if it's turbulent and unpredictable that's the way I love Him.
I listened to the song today at noon and, as it ended, God offered me a choice. He wanted to know which I wanted to live, a life that outwardly looks good, but where I feel nothing, or a I-never-knew-I-could-feel-that-much life that's outwardly messy, but lived from a full heart. I knew that Christ did not come and die for me to look presentable on the outside. He died to give me life on the inside. He came so that I might have not just life, but abundant life (John 10:10)! I knew what the right decision was and, despite the drama and my reservations, I knew that "screaming and fighting and kissin' in the rain" was the way I loved God. So I prayed for a fully-felt life, lived from the heart.
At 2pm, a good friend of mine began texting me to say that, because of the various things that were going wrong in his life, he did not want to live any longer. I became very anxious and wound up calling the police who took him in to get help at a local hospital. Later he called me, and guessing I was the one who informed the police, thanked me and assured me he was unharmed. We talked for a couple of hours during the night until he went to see the psychiatrist and was released. He's now planning on moving to another state, where his work and housing situations, at least, stand to improve.
So, it did not take long at all for a fully-felt life to come. Involving myself in my friend's troubles meant exposing myself to the disappointment and confusion, and to admitting my own dismay at not knowing how to "fix" the problems that were devastating him. Calling the police meant taking the risk of embarrassing him and losing the friendship. People who've heard about this happening on my birthday have assumed it ruined it. But it didn't. It was something I fully felt and in the end I had the great privileged of, in some small way, giving life to my friend...as Christ has given me life. It made me love Him more and realize more how much I am loved. It may have been a turbulent day with God's ironic sense of timing...but that's the way I love Him.
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