For the past two months, God has been leading me towards online dating. I know that this is a decision that some of my friends will probably object to. I was not sure about it myself at first either, so I wanted to take the time to address some of the objections, to be sure I am not overlooking some bit of wisdom.
The first objection that comes to my mind is 1 Corinthians 7:27, "Do not seek a wife." It seemed like a very straightforward online-dating-nixing command...one which, of course, would have broader applications, too. But this was before I read the context and noticed that in verse 25 Paul explicitly says that this is not a commandment from the Lord, but simply his own personal judgment. Some would say that this doesn't matter and would insist that because verse 27 is in scripture, and all scripture is inspired by God (2 Timothy 3:16) therefore the advice to "not seek a wife" is really a command straight from God that must be obeyed, verse 25 notwithstanding. In fact, they would accuse anyone who tries to downplay verse 27 as Paul's opinion of cherry-picking verses and only paying attention to the ones they want to follow anyway. The problem with this line of reasoning is that it is completely hypocritical. In order to say that "Do not seek a wife" is a Biblical command of God and maintain the accusation that those who ignore it are cherry-picking amongst inspired scripture, one must do some cherry-picking of their own. The whole argument completely ignores the context and specifically contradicts verse 25--which is just as much a part of inspired scripture as verse 27! Some might ask if it really matters whether the words "do not seek a wife" come from Paul or God Himself, but it is a matter of no small importance. After all, these words are not the only words of the Bible that are attributed to someone else. If we go about ignoring these attributions, the Bible becomes a meaningless jumble of clashing words which can even be used as a proof for atheism--after all, it says at least twice, "There is no god" (attributed to the fool, Psalm 14:1 and 53:1). So if we do take all of Scripture as inspired, we must take to heart the fact that 1 Corinthians 1:27's advice for singles to not seek out a relationship is simply Paul's opinion of what is best for them. While it should be given due weight as the words of an apostle, it should not be allowed to override the direction of the Holy Spirit in our lives.
Looking for other objections, I found that they came mostly from emotional purity groups, who did not object to one seeking a wife, but are pretty vocal about seeking a spouse in a way they don't condone. This is hardly surprising, since emotional purity would see online dating as its opposite (since of course "dating" is always code for sleeping around in the eyes of emotional purity, and doing it online now means your sleeping around with total strangers). Looking at one such group's website, I find that the first objection is that I am being unfaithful. I am putting my faith in a website rather than God, and I should just keep praying and waiting around for God to act. There are several problems with this. The first is that this line of reasoning essentially says that faith equals passivity. This is actually a fairly common thought among Christians, but I'm not sure where we get this idea. It certainly isn't from the Bible. In the Bible, faith often compels people to action. By faith, Abel offers a sacrifice to God, Noah builds an ark, Abraham leaves his homeland and sacrifices his son, Isaac and Jacob bless their descendants, Joseph elects to be buried in the promised land, Moses' parents hide their son, Moses refuses his status as prince of Egypt, wanders in the wilderness, returns to free Israel, keeps the Passover, and crosses the Red Sea...the list could go on and on. Why then do we think that faith in some aspect of our lives is to be completely passive in it and wait around for God to miraculously make up for our total failure to take initiative and use the resources He's given us? When we do this, are we not like the man who buried his talent in the ground, rather than the two who invested theirs (Matthew 25:14-30)? Note that in this parable of Christ, it is the two servants who took initiative and acted that are called "faithful," while the one who sat around being completely passive is called "wicked" and "slothful." There is nothing faithful about laziness. Of course the whole idea of the "just wait for God to do it all" approach being faithful falls apart wen the Spirit has actively commanded us to do something (such as, in my case, approach online dating). We can never claim to be faithful to God when we are ignoring or disobeying His direction in our lives!
Another objection is that I should not be even considering a relationship if I'm not ready for marriage. Am I ready for marriage? I confess this is a question I have often asked myself. How can I be financially prepared when I rent the smallest bedroom I've ever lived in, have lots of school loans to pay off, and make only $16k a year? That doesn't seem like enough to start off with, and might it actually be so little that it would discourage a match? How can I be ready for marriage emotionally and spiritually when I have never even been in a relationship before? Everything I have learned and observed tells me that relationships are hard, and that marriage is about the most epicly difficult thing two human beings can choose to do with their lives. How can anyone honestly say they are ready for that?! But going back to faith, I am reminded that these are all the wrong questions. If I am to be married, it will not be my strength, my finances, my emotional and spiritual maturity that will get me through and in which I should place my confidence. My confidence and my faith should be in God. If I allow these other concerns to stop me when He calls me to seek a wife, I am found to be looking at the waves rather than the Master of them.
Another objection is that dating is promiscuous by its nature (this argument specifically from an emotional purity standpoint). This applies specifically to situations where one is dating multiple people simultaneously, or a number of different people in succession. Both are necessary evils of the online dating strategy, and emotional purity proponents would put the emphasis on evil. But, as I have elaborated at length before, there is no inherent evil, no sin, in opening oneself romantically to another. There is further, nothing in the dating process which necessitates premarital sex any more than there is anything inherent in marriage which necessitates adultery. Furthermore, dating and "courtship" produce different expectations and thus different approaches and attitudes, which leads to a general misunderstanding when one attempts to look at one with the attitude of the other.
In the typical emotional-purity approved courtship, a couple will know each other for years as "just friends" before courting and during this time they will be extremely careful to "guard their heart" and make sure they feel no romantic or sexual attraction for each other at all, sometimes to the point of not really even being friends. Then, one day, some authority figure will give them the green light and they will begin courting. Since the whole point of the emotional-purity courtship model is to make sure you only "give your heart" to the person you marry, it is assumed that if a couple begins courting or is even approved to court, they will marry, and probably within a matter of months. Since the moment you begin courting, marriage is (assumed to be) certain to follow, courting couples may feel free to exercise very little restraint and simply give themselves heart and soul to each other. The emotional pace of the relationship builds like the velocity of a bullet from a gun--from 0 to supersonic in less than a fraction of a second. People who examine dating with a courtship-mindset are horrified by the thought of blasting into total emotional openness with complete strangers and giving yourself away completely to people you may not wind up married to--not to mention the seemingly excessive length of dating relationships (two years is forever for a courting couple).
But these conceptions are based on faulty assumptions. In the typical purposeful dating, emotional speed builds more slowly than in a courtship. If a courtship takes off like a bullet from a gun, a dating relationship picks up speed like a semi rolling down a shallow grade. In dating, it is understood from the beginning that any given person you date is unlikely to be the person you marry. There is a chance, and you date to see how great that chance is. The chance is never assumed to be 100% until you are at least engaged, which generally occurs after a couple has dated for some time. This can lead to a more emotionally and sexually guarded approach. You are always aware that the person you're dating may not wind up being the one you marry, so you keep your feelings from running wild, keep your secrets close until you know it's safe, and keep the other person out of your bed. Courting couples have basically one line of defense for their hearts, which acts like a flip-switch with two settings: completely shut down and totally open. Dating couples have multiple lines of defense which act like a dimmer switch, allow for a gradual increase in intimacy as a relationship progresses over time. So dating multiple people does not mean giving one's heart to multiple people (in fact, if a person is dating non-exclusively, that likely means they aren't giving their heart to anyone at the moment). It is the stance of someone who's being reserved and examining their options, not someone who's being promiscuous.
Another objection is that online dating distracts from the real world, replacing it with a virtual one. This, again, is a misconception. The entire point of online dating is to aid in the creation of a real world relationship. Virtual communication that starts on a dating site but doesn't proceed to a real world meeting within a reasonable amount of time will be severed by an experienced online dater. So if online dating is replacing one's real world with a virtual one, this simply means that they're doing it wrong and missing the point.
A final objection is that dating, and especially online dating, is deceptive in nature. It is said that when people date they present only a facade of what they think the other person wants to see and never show their true self, and that this is much more likely to happen online where the screen forms an additional barrier to hide behind. It is true that such deception can happen, but it is not the goal. People who are not real with themselves and others while dating miss the point and fail to determine whether or not they would be a good marriage match for the other person. Honesty is essential, and any breech in trust, when discovered, can often lead to a break-up of the relationship. But online dating isn't the only place where you will find people wearing masks. In fact, I find that one of the things that attracts me more to online dating than courtship is that there are, in my own mind, fewer masks in the former than in the latter. In courtship, during the initial phase, my experience and my impression is that you wear a mask for years saying that you are not interested in a relationship, are not attracted to the other person, only want to be friends, and love them in a Christ-like way even if you can't really get to know them because they're a member of the opposite sex--while of course the reality is that you are interested in a relationship, are attracted to the other person, want way more than friendship, and don't really know them or love them for who they are so much as have a professional relationship with them from church. Talk about dishonesty! Half the time you're even lying to yourself by either denying that you're attracted to this person or saying your romantic feelings for them are a sin (when, of course, there is no such sin as emotional impurity). Then, suddenly, someone give you the green light and you spring into intimacy with one another while donning the masks of your respective gender roles (male: leader, breadwinner, home despot; woman: servant, homekeeper, babymaker) and donning another mask to make believe to yourselves and the world around you that you actually enjoyed all the abuse you received over liking each other before you started courting (this actually happened with a friend of mine: I talked with him before, when he liked a girl but wasn't courting her and he shared how he was being called out and rebuked by leaders for his feelings for her and was basically being forced to break off their friendship--then a year or so later, when they had courted and married, he told me this abuse had never happened and it had all been his own choice). I can think of no more dishonest way to start off a marriage than this. In contrast, in online dating, everyone who logs onto the site is publicly declaring themselves to be looking for a relationship, and very often openly specifies what kind of relationship they're seeking and whom with. Attraction and intentions are openly stated or candidly implied as they come into play, and declarations of love are saved until they actually mean something. No one has to lie about how the couple met or initially felt, and relationship roles can be arranged in a way that best suits the real dynamics of the couple (which is well established by the time marriage comes around) rather than adherence to a doctrine (which is all courtship couples have to work with). It is, of course, still possible to lie on any or all of this, but anyone who knows better than to give their bank account number to the infamous "Nigerian prince" email knows to be on their guard against deception online and liars are quickly found and rooted out. It is much harder to expect and be on guard against deception in the pew sitting next to you.
The first objection that comes to my mind is 1 Corinthians 7:27, "Do not seek a wife." It seemed like a very straightforward online-dating-nixing command...one which, of course, would have broader applications, too. But this was before I read the context and noticed that in verse 25 Paul explicitly says that this is not a commandment from the Lord, but simply his own personal judgment. Some would say that this doesn't matter and would insist that because verse 27 is in scripture, and all scripture is inspired by God (2 Timothy 3:16) therefore the advice to "not seek a wife" is really a command straight from God that must be obeyed, verse 25 notwithstanding. In fact, they would accuse anyone who tries to downplay verse 27 as Paul's opinion of cherry-picking verses and only paying attention to the ones they want to follow anyway. The problem with this line of reasoning is that it is completely hypocritical. In order to say that "Do not seek a wife" is a Biblical command of God and maintain the accusation that those who ignore it are cherry-picking amongst inspired scripture, one must do some cherry-picking of their own. The whole argument completely ignores the context and specifically contradicts verse 25--which is just as much a part of inspired scripture as verse 27! Some might ask if it really matters whether the words "do not seek a wife" come from Paul or God Himself, but it is a matter of no small importance. After all, these words are not the only words of the Bible that are attributed to someone else. If we go about ignoring these attributions, the Bible becomes a meaningless jumble of clashing words which can even be used as a proof for atheism--after all, it says at least twice, "There is no god" (attributed to the fool, Psalm 14:1 and 53:1). So if we do take all of Scripture as inspired, we must take to heart the fact that 1 Corinthians 1:27's advice for singles to not seek out a relationship is simply Paul's opinion of what is best for them. While it should be given due weight as the words of an apostle, it should not be allowed to override the direction of the Holy Spirit in our lives.
Looking for other objections, I found that they came mostly from emotional purity groups, who did not object to one seeking a wife, but are pretty vocal about seeking a spouse in a way they don't condone. This is hardly surprising, since emotional purity would see online dating as its opposite (since of course "dating" is always code for sleeping around in the eyes of emotional purity, and doing it online now means your sleeping around with total strangers). Looking at one such group's website, I find that the first objection is that I am being unfaithful. I am putting my faith in a website rather than God, and I should just keep praying and waiting around for God to act. There are several problems with this. The first is that this line of reasoning essentially says that faith equals passivity. This is actually a fairly common thought among Christians, but I'm not sure where we get this idea. It certainly isn't from the Bible. In the Bible, faith often compels people to action. By faith, Abel offers a sacrifice to God, Noah builds an ark, Abraham leaves his homeland and sacrifices his son, Isaac and Jacob bless their descendants, Joseph elects to be buried in the promised land, Moses' parents hide their son, Moses refuses his status as prince of Egypt, wanders in the wilderness, returns to free Israel, keeps the Passover, and crosses the Red Sea...the list could go on and on. Why then do we think that faith in some aspect of our lives is to be completely passive in it and wait around for God to miraculously make up for our total failure to take initiative and use the resources He's given us? When we do this, are we not like the man who buried his talent in the ground, rather than the two who invested theirs (Matthew 25:14-30)? Note that in this parable of Christ, it is the two servants who took initiative and acted that are called "faithful," while the one who sat around being completely passive is called "wicked" and "slothful." There is nothing faithful about laziness. Of course the whole idea of the "just wait for God to do it all" approach being faithful falls apart wen the Spirit has actively commanded us to do something (such as, in my case, approach online dating). We can never claim to be faithful to God when we are ignoring or disobeying His direction in our lives!
Another objection is that I should not be even considering a relationship if I'm not ready for marriage. Am I ready for marriage? I confess this is a question I have often asked myself. How can I be financially prepared when I rent the smallest bedroom I've ever lived in, have lots of school loans to pay off, and make only $16k a year? That doesn't seem like enough to start off with, and might it actually be so little that it would discourage a match? How can I be ready for marriage emotionally and spiritually when I have never even been in a relationship before? Everything I have learned and observed tells me that relationships are hard, and that marriage is about the most epicly difficult thing two human beings can choose to do with their lives. How can anyone honestly say they are ready for that?! But going back to faith, I am reminded that these are all the wrong questions. If I am to be married, it will not be my strength, my finances, my emotional and spiritual maturity that will get me through and in which I should place my confidence. My confidence and my faith should be in God. If I allow these other concerns to stop me when He calls me to seek a wife, I am found to be looking at the waves rather than the Master of them.
Another objection is that dating is promiscuous by its nature (this argument specifically from an emotional purity standpoint). This applies specifically to situations where one is dating multiple people simultaneously, or a number of different people in succession. Both are necessary evils of the online dating strategy, and emotional purity proponents would put the emphasis on evil. But, as I have elaborated at length before, there is no inherent evil, no sin, in opening oneself romantically to another. There is further, nothing in the dating process which necessitates premarital sex any more than there is anything inherent in marriage which necessitates adultery. Furthermore, dating and "courtship" produce different expectations and thus different approaches and attitudes, which leads to a general misunderstanding when one attempts to look at one with the attitude of the other.
In the typical emotional-purity approved courtship, a couple will know each other for years as "just friends" before courting and during this time they will be extremely careful to "guard their heart" and make sure they feel no romantic or sexual attraction for each other at all, sometimes to the point of not really even being friends. Then, one day, some authority figure will give them the green light and they will begin courting. Since the whole point of the emotional-purity courtship model is to make sure you only "give your heart" to the person you marry, it is assumed that if a couple begins courting or is even approved to court, they will marry, and probably within a matter of months. Since the moment you begin courting, marriage is (assumed to be) certain to follow, courting couples may feel free to exercise very little restraint and simply give themselves heart and soul to each other. The emotional pace of the relationship builds like the velocity of a bullet from a gun--from 0 to supersonic in less than a fraction of a second. People who examine dating with a courtship-mindset are horrified by the thought of blasting into total emotional openness with complete strangers and giving yourself away completely to people you may not wind up married to--not to mention the seemingly excessive length of dating relationships (two years is forever for a courting couple).
But these conceptions are based on faulty assumptions. In the typical purposeful dating, emotional speed builds more slowly than in a courtship. If a courtship takes off like a bullet from a gun, a dating relationship picks up speed like a semi rolling down a shallow grade. In dating, it is understood from the beginning that any given person you date is unlikely to be the person you marry. There is a chance, and you date to see how great that chance is. The chance is never assumed to be 100% until you are at least engaged, which generally occurs after a couple has dated for some time. This can lead to a more emotionally and sexually guarded approach. You are always aware that the person you're dating may not wind up being the one you marry, so you keep your feelings from running wild, keep your secrets close until you know it's safe, and keep the other person out of your bed. Courting couples have basically one line of defense for their hearts, which acts like a flip-switch with two settings: completely shut down and totally open. Dating couples have multiple lines of defense which act like a dimmer switch, allow for a gradual increase in intimacy as a relationship progresses over time. So dating multiple people does not mean giving one's heart to multiple people (in fact, if a person is dating non-exclusively, that likely means they aren't giving their heart to anyone at the moment). It is the stance of someone who's being reserved and examining their options, not someone who's being promiscuous.
Another objection is that online dating distracts from the real world, replacing it with a virtual one. This, again, is a misconception. The entire point of online dating is to aid in the creation of a real world relationship. Virtual communication that starts on a dating site but doesn't proceed to a real world meeting within a reasonable amount of time will be severed by an experienced online dater. So if online dating is replacing one's real world with a virtual one, this simply means that they're doing it wrong and missing the point.
A final objection is that dating, and especially online dating, is deceptive in nature. It is said that when people date they present only a facade of what they think the other person wants to see and never show their true self, and that this is much more likely to happen online where the screen forms an additional barrier to hide behind. It is true that such deception can happen, but it is not the goal. People who are not real with themselves and others while dating miss the point and fail to determine whether or not they would be a good marriage match for the other person. Honesty is essential, and any breech in trust, when discovered, can often lead to a break-up of the relationship. But online dating isn't the only place where you will find people wearing masks. In fact, I find that one of the things that attracts me more to online dating than courtship is that there are, in my own mind, fewer masks in the former than in the latter. In courtship, during the initial phase, my experience and my impression is that you wear a mask for years saying that you are not interested in a relationship, are not attracted to the other person, only want to be friends, and love them in a Christ-like way even if you can't really get to know them because they're a member of the opposite sex--while of course the reality is that you are interested in a relationship, are attracted to the other person, want way more than friendship, and don't really know them or love them for who they are so much as have a professional relationship with them from church. Talk about dishonesty! Half the time you're even lying to yourself by either denying that you're attracted to this person or saying your romantic feelings for them are a sin (when, of course, there is no such sin as emotional impurity). Then, suddenly, someone give you the green light and you spring into intimacy with one another while donning the masks of your respective gender roles (male: leader, breadwinner, home despot; woman: servant, homekeeper, babymaker) and donning another mask to make believe to yourselves and the world around you that you actually enjoyed all the abuse you received over liking each other before you started courting (this actually happened with a friend of mine: I talked with him before, when he liked a girl but wasn't courting her and he shared how he was being called out and rebuked by leaders for his feelings for her and was basically being forced to break off their friendship--then a year or so later, when they had courted and married, he told me this abuse had never happened and it had all been his own choice). I can think of no more dishonest way to start off a marriage than this. In contrast, in online dating, everyone who logs onto the site is publicly declaring themselves to be looking for a relationship, and very often openly specifies what kind of relationship they're seeking and whom with. Attraction and intentions are openly stated or candidly implied as they come into play, and declarations of love are saved until they actually mean something. No one has to lie about how the couple met or initially felt, and relationship roles can be arranged in a way that best suits the real dynamics of the couple (which is well established by the time marriage comes around) rather than adherence to a doctrine (which is all courtship couples have to work with). It is, of course, still possible to lie on any or all of this, but anyone who knows better than to give their bank account number to the infamous "Nigerian prince" email knows to be on their guard against deception online and liars are quickly found and rooted out. It is much harder to expect and be on guard against deception in the pew sitting next to you.
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