I haven't posted in a while. A lot has been going on in my life, with graduation and all...looking for a job, etc. At the same time, not much has been going on in my life, it seems. I haven't felt I had anything to write for ages. I've been feeling kind of listless, directionless, especially in my spiritual life. At first I thought it was just a dry spell, something that just happens and then goes away again without rhyme or reason. But the longer it went on, the more I wondered.
There was an incident a few months back, a big blow-up between myself and some of my near and dear friends--where the rifts made and the relationships destroyed have never been repaired. I don't like to think about it. I have forgiven everyone involved, sincerely, even though none of them have apologized (as I've learned, though, that doesn't matter, because God forgives us even our unconfessed sins). I just want to put it all behind me. But there are still consequences of what happened then. I knew that one of them is that those friends I lost or was distanced from cannot be restored by any effort of my own. But what about spiritual consequences? One of my friends had warned me that in letting my "theology get tangled" in the situation, he believed I had "made a shipwreck" of my faith. Was that really what had happened? I had believed that God was at work in the situation between me and my friends, and that I could trust His guidance there. Had I been wrong? Several of my friends very strongly felt it was so. Was this the reason for the slowdown in my spiritual life, that I'd trusted God too far and in too much detail?
Like I said, I tried to avoid the question. A big dramatic blow-up like that isn't exactly anyone's favorite moment to dwell on, and I didn't want to give any opportunity for bitterness to develop in my heart. But last night, God brought the situation back to the fore. It turned out that it was that situation that had damaged my faith. I had trusted that I could hear from God, personally, any time on any thing. I had obeyed His direction at every step, only to have the whole situation blow up in my face. As I usually do, I blamed myself. I wondered if I'd been mistaken: maybe I never heard from God at all. Maybe I couldn't. Though I continued to listen in prayer and obey, to an extent, I was hesitant now. Was I really hearing from God? After all, the last time I thought I'd heard from Him, I'd royally screwed up, right?
I don't think so. What I saw last night was that everything had been going exactly and perfectly according to what God had shown me would come to pass between me and my friend, and continued to go that way, as long as everyone involved trusted and obeyed Him. But a year or so before everything fell to pieces, my friend stopped trusting. She had heard something that didn't set well with her and, on advice from some people from her church, she decided that her friends, her heart, and her church were more accurate barometers for the will of God than what He had miraculously revealed to her. She stopped trusting. She stopped obeying. Immediately, the conflicts that formed the basis of the big blow-up reared their heads. From that point on, nothing I did in trusting or obeying made a difference for the relationship. As long as one side or the other wasn't trusting God, the blow-up was only a matter of time.
So what was I doing here, four months later, questioning whether what God was miraculously revealing to me was really His will or not? I was repeating my friend's moves, the very ones that made that painful blow-up inevitable. It seems that, for me, unconsciously repeating her mistake was a consequence of the situation.
Once I realized what was going on, my doubts and questions all unsnarled. I had dared believe in a God Who was as real in my life today as He was in the lives of saints in the Bible--and I wasn't wrong. There is no evidence to support that conclusion at all. Yes, God had told me that things were in His will that didn't come to pass, but lots of things happen that aren't in line with God's will (as in His desires and feelings--sin, for instance, would be a violation of His will that happens quite regularly--; His ultimate plan and purpose, of course, cannot be thwarted) and I already know that both from experience and the Bible. That doesn't mean I can't trust Him. That doesn't mean I should hesitate in obeying Him. I felt like a two-ton weight had evaporated from my heart! I will dare believe what I once believed, that there is a God in Heaven Who reveals Himself to me, Who cares about me, about even the details of my life and the desires of my heart, Who is involved and powerful, Who can be trusted and obeyed.
There was an incident a few months back, a big blow-up between myself and some of my near and dear friends--where the rifts made and the relationships destroyed have never been repaired. I don't like to think about it. I have forgiven everyone involved, sincerely, even though none of them have apologized (as I've learned, though, that doesn't matter, because God forgives us even our unconfessed sins). I just want to put it all behind me. But there are still consequences of what happened then. I knew that one of them is that those friends I lost or was distanced from cannot be restored by any effort of my own. But what about spiritual consequences? One of my friends had warned me that in letting my "theology get tangled" in the situation, he believed I had "made a shipwreck" of my faith. Was that really what had happened? I had believed that God was at work in the situation between me and my friends, and that I could trust His guidance there. Had I been wrong? Several of my friends very strongly felt it was so. Was this the reason for the slowdown in my spiritual life, that I'd trusted God too far and in too much detail?
Like I said, I tried to avoid the question. A big dramatic blow-up like that isn't exactly anyone's favorite moment to dwell on, and I didn't want to give any opportunity for bitterness to develop in my heart. But last night, God brought the situation back to the fore. It turned out that it was that situation that had damaged my faith. I had trusted that I could hear from God, personally, any time on any thing. I had obeyed His direction at every step, only to have the whole situation blow up in my face. As I usually do, I blamed myself. I wondered if I'd been mistaken: maybe I never heard from God at all. Maybe I couldn't. Though I continued to listen in prayer and obey, to an extent, I was hesitant now. Was I really hearing from God? After all, the last time I thought I'd heard from Him, I'd royally screwed up, right?
I don't think so. What I saw last night was that everything had been going exactly and perfectly according to what God had shown me would come to pass between me and my friend, and continued to go that way, as long as everyone involved trusted and obeyed Him. But a year or so before everything fell to pieces, my friend stopped trusting. She had heard something that didn't set well with her and, on advice from some people from her church, she decided that her friends, her heart, and her church were more accurate barometers for the will of God than what He had miraculously revealed to her. She stopped trusting. She stopped obeying. Immediately, the conflicts that formed the basis of the big blow-up reared their heads. From that point on, nothing I did in trusting or obeying made a difference for the relationship. As long as one side or the other wasn't trusting God, the blow-up was only a matter of time.
So what was I doing here, four months later, questioning whether what God was miraculously revealing to me was really His will or not? I was repeating my friend's moves, the very ones that made that painful blow-up inevitable. It seems that, for me, unconsciously repeating her mistake was a consequence of the situation.
Once I realized what was going on, my doubts and questions all unsnarled. I had dared believe in a God Who was as real in my life today as He was in the lives of saints in the Bible--and I wasn't wrong. There is no evidence to support that conclusion at all. Yes, God had told me that things were in His will that didn't come to pass, but lots of things happen that aren't in line with God's will (as in His desires and feelings--sin, for instance, would be a violation of His will that happens quite regularly--; His ultimate plan and purpose, of course, cannot be thwarted) and I already know that both from experience and the Bible. That doesn't mean I can't trust Him. That doesn't mean I should hesitate in obeying Him. I felt like a two-ton weight had evaporated from my heart! I will dare believe what I once believed, that there is a God in Heaven Who reveals Himself to me, Who cares about me, about even the details of my life and the desires of my heart, Who is involved and powerful, Who can be trusted and obeyed.
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