I'm not sure how to present these thoughts except as they presented themselves to me...so hang on, reader! This may be a bumpy ride!
So, yesterday, I was talking with my good friend Denise (I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind me mentioning her in this...I mean, does anybody read these anyway?) and we were discussing a complicated problem that's developed in the campus ministry we're a part of. Legalism seems to have crept in and it's not isolated to any one area or one person. One of the areas of legalism she mentioned (which I, for obvious reasons, was not aware of) was the burdensome expectations placed on married women. Too much emphasis is placed on verses like 1 Peter 3:1, which encourage wives to obey their husbands and not enough is placed on verses like 1 Peter 3:7 and Ephesians 5:25, which command husbands to love their wives with compassion, understanding, and sacrificial devotion. The result is that husbands commonly tyrannize their wives (sometimes doing so by simple ignorance) and the wives docilely try to just accept the abuse and submit every aspect of their lives (down to coffee-dates with their girl-friends) to their husband's micro-mismanagement. I have witnessed this myself, which may also be why married couples in this ministry seem to fight more and love less than any Christian couples I've ever seen (and, ironically, some of their leaders think to use the "strength of this ministry's marriages" as a bragging point and a way to bolster their case for legalism...all these young marriages could meanwhile turn into time-bombs if they're not carefully repaired).
I felt for Denise, and for my other married friends. It's not the sort of feeling one should have, feeling sorry for someone who's gotten married or fallen in love, but unfortunately, the circumstances justified it. Pretty soon, though I was thinking of my own life. I'm single, and have been for nearly 22 years running, but I don't plan to be forever. In fact, it probably won't be that many years before it's my turn to wait at the altar. What if this happened in my life? What if people told my someday-future-wife that godliness in a married woman equated with subservience? The thought makes my heart heavy. Perhaps some men--twisted men--want to marry a woman who'll be a slave to their every whim (that is to say, a woman who is not a woman, but more of a pet or a toy), but the thought holds no pleasure for me at all. I have always longed for a companion, a partner, a mate, a helper, to stand beside me--not beneath me or above me. This is, I believe, as the Bible says it should be, as it was in the beginning (and lest the archaic "help-meet" of Genesis 2:18 should sound too subservient to you, remember that the same word for "help" is used to describe God's great interventions in the Psalms). I know as a man leading is my assigned role. I accept that. But it's hard enough to lead properly (keeping the self-sacrificial leadership of Christ in mind--Who, as a leader, washed His disciple's feet) without someone trying to pressure you into tyranny. Tyranny is never good, for Christ is never a tyrant. Further, a dynamic of tyranny and subservience in a marriage can only shut down the wife's heart (supposing, of course, that it is she who is being tyrannized). To me, the whole point of a relationship (even and especially in marriage) as a man is to win the woman's heart. A slave's heart, though, is shut down, imprisoned, and impossible to win. There is no point to such a relationship, and there is no godliness to it at all. In order to win a heart, it must first be set free. I've never done this, but from seeing this done to my own heart by God (He is winning my heart) I know that freeing someone's heart is messy and dangerous. All kinds of crud can come out that's been locked up and festering in there for ages, and there's no telling how or when it will come out. It takes a great deal of compassion and self-sacrifice to lay aside your own plans for the moment in order to heal the hurt that's just been exposed. The cost of this sort of thing is, I imagine, very very high...but the reward is even greater, for there is no greater prize than the heart of one you love. I hope and pray that my love can understand this and not allow herself to be tyrannized.
But I speak of things I know nothing about, yes? Like I said, I've never been in a relationship with a girl. The only relationship I've ever been in is with my Lord and Savior, Jesus. Remembering that brings me to wondering if these thoughts about married life have any application to my spiritual life. I find that they do. So often when we come to Christ, we are overawed by His divinity and offer ourselves to Him as slaves. Often, we do this in ignorance and try to interpret harsh commands from Him to conform our lives to. I know that once this described my spiritual life pretty well. I would read God's Word and mostly just encounter all sorts of commands I wasn't following. I would cringe, bow my head, and beg God for mercy, promising that I would be a better slave next time. But Christ, in His mercy, calls us to something better. The disciples called Him "Lord" and "Master," but He called them "friends" (John 13:14 and 15:15). We come cringing to Him as slaves, and He invites us to sit with Him in his throne (Revelation 3:21). We come asking for no credit, only begging not to be punished, and He gives us a share in His glory. It seems that Christ, in His love and His humanity, is not interested in a slave any more than I am. Perhaps all He really wants to do is walk beside us, and win our hearts.
So, yesterday, I was talking with my good friend Denise (I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind me mentioning her in this...I mean, does anybody read these anyway?) and we were discussing a complicated problem that's developed in the campus ministry we're a part of. Legalism seems to have crept in and it's not isolated to any one area or one person. One of the areas of legalism she mentioned (which I, for obvious reasons, was not aware of) was the burdensome expectations placed on married women. Too much emphasis is placed on verses like 1 Peter 3:1, which encourage wives to obey their husbands and not enough is placed on verses like 1 Peter 3:7 and Ephesians 5:25, which command husbands to love their wives with compassion, understanding, and sacrificial devotion. The result is that husbands commonly tyrannize their wives (sometimes doing so by simple ignorance) and the wives docilely try to just accept the abuse and submit every aspect of their lives (down to coffee-dates with their girl-friends) to their husband's micro-mismanagement. I have witnessed this myself, which may also be why married couples in this ministry seem to fight more and love less than any Christian couples I've ever seen (and, ironically, some of their leaders think to use the "strength of this ministry's marriages" as a bragging point and a way to bolster their case for legalism...all these young marriages could meanwhile turn into time-bombs if they're not carefully repaired).
I felt for Denise, and for my other married friends. It's not the sort of feeling one should have, feeling sorry for someone who's gotten married or fallen in love, but unfortunately, the circumstances justified it. Pretty soon, though I was thinking of my own life. I'm single, and have been for nearly 22 years running, but I don't plan to be forever. In fact, it probably won't be that many years before it's my turn to wait at the altar. What if this happened in my life? What if people told my someday-future-wife that godliness in a married woman equated with subservience? The thought makes my heart heavy. Perhaps some men--twisted men--want to marry a woman who'll be a slave to their every whim (that is to say, a woman who is not a woman, but more of a pet or a toy), but the thought holds no pleasure for me at all. I have always longed for a companion, a partner, a mate, a helper, to stand beside me--not beneath me or above me. This is, I believe, as the Bible says it should be, as it was in the beginning (and lest the archaic "help-meet" of Genesis 2:18 should sound too subservient to you, remember that the same word for "help" is used to describe God's great interventions in the Psalms). I know as a man leading is my assigned role. I accept that. But it's hard enough to lead properly (keeping the self-sacrificial leadership of Christ in mind--Who, as a leader, washed His disciple's feet) without someone trying to pressure you into tyranny. Tyranny is never good, for Christ is never a tyrant. Further, a dynamic of tyranny and subservience in a marriage can only shut down the wife's heart (supposing, of course, that it is she who is being tyrannized). To me, the whole point of a relationship (even and especially in marriage) as a man is to win the woman's heart. A slave's heart, though, is shut down, imprisoned, and impossible to win. There is no point to such a relationship, and there is no godliness to it at all. In order to win a heart, it must first be set free. I've never done this, but from seeing this done to my own heart by God (He is winning my heart) I know that freeing someone's heart is messy and dangerous. All kinds of crud can come out that's been locked up and festering in there for ages, and there's no telling how or when it will come out. It takes a great deal of compassion and self-sacrifice to lay aside your own plans for the moment in order to heal the hurt that's just been exposed. The cost of this sort of thing is, I imagine, very very high...but the reward is even greater, for there is no greater prize than the heart of one you love. I hope and pray that my love can understand this and not allow herself to be tyrannized.
But I speak of things I know nothing about, yes? Like I said, I've never been in a relationship with a girl. The only relationship I've ever been in is with my Lord and Savior, Jesus. Remembering that brings me to wondering if these thoughts about married life have any application to my spiritual life. I find that they do. So often when we come to Christ, we are overawed by His divinity and offer ourselves to Him as slaves. Often, we do this in ignorance and try to interpret harsh commands from Him to conform our lives to. I know that once this described my spiritual life pretty well. I would read God's Word and mostly just encounter all sorts of commands I wasn't following. I would cringe, bow my head, and beg God for mercy, promising that I would be a better slave next time. But Christ, in His mercy, calls us to something better. The disciples called Him "Lord" and "Master," but He called them "friends" (John 13:14 and 15:15). We come cringing to Him as slaves, and He invites us to sit with Him in his throne (Revelation 3:21). We come asking for no credit, only begging not to be punished, and He gives us a share in His glory. It seems that Christ, in His love and His humanity, is not interested in a slave any more than I am. Perhaps all He really wants to do is walk beside us, and win our hearts.
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