I recently finished reading a couple of interesting books by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn entitled For Men Only and For Women Only (yes, I cheated and read the one for the opposite gender). Each book's aim to take a well-researched look at common gender-gap miscommunications from a Christian perspective. The basis of each book is a series of professional surveys and study groups done on women and men. Based on this research, each book tries to communicate the biggest, most common, and least understood things about the opposite gender (thus, For Men Only is “a straightforward guide to the inner lives of women,” written for their husbands/significant others, and vice versa with For Women Only). Both books were very informative. I’ve had an interest in gender-differences for some time and read a number of books on the subject, but many of the issues uncovered in these books were totally new to me. I recommend them highly, and if you’re really interested in understanding the opposite sex, I recommend reading both books since it is just as informative to read what you don’t get about the opposite sex as to read what they don’t get about your sex. For instance, in For Women Only Shaunti explains to a bewildered female readership the true meaning of the trite observation “Men are visual”--a fact of life so basic to me and to men in general that I was absolutely stunned that many women could not relate to it at all.
I have to say the most interesting part of each book was the last chapter. Here, the Feldhahns presented the results of their open-ended survey question. On each of the surveys they gave out, there was a blank space for the participants to fill in any additional complaints or comments they wished they could give the opposite gender (specifically their spouse or significant other). Here was where men could rant about control of the remote and women could complain about his facial hair, if they so chose. But the overwhelming majority of respondents chose to say something very different in that extra space. Most of the men used the space to say that the one thing they most wanted the woman in their life to know was “How much I love her” or some variation thereof. Most of the women used the space to say that the one thing they most wanted the man in their life to know was “He’s my hero” or “How much I respect him” or some variation thereof. It was ironic--considering how each gender fails so miserably at sharing their “one thing” (the top complaint among men from the rest of the survey was feeling disrespected, the top complaint among women from the rest of the survey was feeling unloved)--, but touching.
Then, I remembered Ephesians 5:25-32, where Paul begins by charging husbands to love their wives. In the process of delivering that charge, Paul delivers a stunning revelation: the union of marriage is an allegory that “refers to Christ and the Church” (verse 32). I took those two open-ended responses from the Feldhahns and Paul’s proclamation on a brief mental tour of scripture. How often to do we see God throughout the Bible (New and Old Testaments) proclaiming over and over again to His own (whether joyfully to the faithful or--as often is the case in the Old Testament prophets-- with sorrow and jealousy for the unfaithful), “I love you”? And what is it that He demands the most from His people, and the most faults them for when they fail to give it? It is the respect (the “fear of the LORD”) that He deserves as the God He is.
What would happen if we really opened our hearts to God as He says, “I love you,” over and over again? What would happen if we really gave Him respect and reverence, replying to Him from the heart, “You’re my hero”? How many of the frustrations in our spiritual lives result from failures to do just that?
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