There are some posts on this blog that make empirical arguments, some that set forth evidence and lay things out rationally, which can be proved and known. There are some that can only convey inexplicable experience. This is one of those.
Yesterday, in the morning, I wanted the day to be something special between God and me. I realized there was nothing really that I could do to bring this about, so I prayed that God would, that He would do things that day that would break down all my walls and "leave my soul naked and vulnerable" before Him. I knew that it was at times of such great vulnerability that I felt closest to God, though there is always a thrill of terror about the vulnerability and openness of such a position.
And so it went. God demonstrated His love to me, whispered of it to me, in little ways, and those broke down my defenses. By the time I went on lunch break at 2 o'clock, I already felt vulnerable. I wanted nothing more than to curl up on my bed and bask in the nearness of my God.
But the day wasn't over yet. When it was, the business of the day had caught up with me, exhausting me and, in part, raising my walls again. Then, I remembered the prayer I had prayed that morning and prayed it again.
He heard me, and answered in a way I did not expect. My eyes closed and I stopped tossing and turning. I stopped moving at all. Yet I was not asleep. I was fully awake and aware. I tried to move but I could not. It was like the paralysis that comes before sleep, but sleep was far away. I wondered what this could be. Then He spoke to me. He told me that my inability to move was His doing and that He would not harm me. He asked me to quit struggling. I did, though not right away. I asked what was going on and He told me He was answering my prayer, that this was me, a naked soul separated (partially--I could still control my eye movements) from my body. He spoke wonderful things to me (of which I have no particular memory) and I was in ecstatic union with Him.
Then something really unexpected happened. My awareness shifted and while I was still aware of my soul in ecstasy, it was a dim awareness, like my awareness of my body had been soon after the separation began. What I was most aware of was my body, lying there, waiting: unable to move on my own and waiting for the commands that would enable me to do so. I was waiting for other things too. I was tired from a hard day's work, waiting to go to sleep. I was dirty from sweat and dust and waiting to be clean. But I was also waiting for a much deeper bigger thing. I was aware of a deep, painful, treacherous stain of sin in me, and I was waiting to see, if at last, I could be made free of this. As I waited, I heard Him say to me, "Don't worry. I haven't forgotten you. You will be made clean, whole, and perfect. You are also deeply loved."
Then my awareness was returned whole, body and soul, welded together and united by love, deep in love with my Creator! I have never felt such joy and love for Him before, and yet it was but a foretaste, a lesson, a moment I want to keep with me all my days. I am loved body and soul. I do not expect that any of those supposed wise men who deny that there is any such distinction will credit my experience, but who asked for their opinions? I am loved body and soul. I am not loved any more in or for one than the other. I am loved not for the good deeds I do in the body--for my soul is loved also. I am loved not only for what existential heights I may be able to reach, for my body is loved also. My God will provide all my needs. He will not merely take me to Heaven and leave me naked and destitute to fend for myself on earth--for He loves my body also. He will not either remember to feed and clothe me and yet forget to satisfy the deep longings of my inner being--for my soul is loved also. I am perfectly loved.
Yesterday, in the morning, I wanted the day to be something special between God and me. I realized there was nothing really that I could do to bring this about, so I prayed that God would, that He would do things that day that would break down all my walls and "leave my soul naked and vulnerable" before Him. I knew that it was at times of such great vulnerability that I felt closest to God, though there is always a thrill of terror about the vulnerability and openness of such a position.
And so it went. God demonstrated His love to me, whispered of it to me, in little ways, and those broke down my defenses. By the time I went on lunch break at 2 o'clock, I already felt vulnerable. I wanted nothing more than to curl up on my bed and bask in the nearness of my God.
But the day wasn't over yet. When it was, the business of the day had caught up with me, exhausting me and, in part, raising my walls again. Then, I remembered the prayer I had prayed that morning and prayed it again.
He heard me, and answered in a way I did not expect. My eyes closed and I stopped tossing and turning. I stopped moving at all. Yet I was not asleep. I was fully awake and aware. I tried to move but I could not. It was like the paralysis that comes before sleep, but sleep was far away. I wondered what this could be. Then He spoke to me. He told me that my inability to move was His doing and that He would not harm me. He asked me to quit struggling. I did, though not right away. I asked what was going on and He told me He was answering my prayer, that this was me, a naked soul separated (partially--I could still control my eye movements) from my body. He spoke wonderful things to me (of which I have no particular memory) and I was in ecstatic union with Him.
Then something really unexpected happened. My awareness shifted and while I was still aware of my soul in ecstasy, it was a dim awareness, like my awareness of my body had been soon after the separation began. What I was most aware of was my body, lying there, waiting: unable to move on my own and waiting for the commands that would enable me to do so. I was waiting for other things too. I was tired from a hard day's work, waiting to go to sleep. I was dirty from sweat and dust and waiting to be clean. But I was also waiting for a much deeper bigger thing. I was aware of a deep, painful, treacherous stain of sin in me, and I was waiting to see, if at last, I could be made free of this. As I waited, I heard Him say to me, "Don't worry. I haven't forgotten you. You will be made clean, whole, and perfect. You are also deeply loved."
Then my awareness was returned whole, body and soul, welded together and united by love, deep in love with my Creator! I have never felt such joy and love for Him before, and yet it was but a foretaste, a lesson, a moment I want to keep with me all my days. I am loved body and soul. I do not expect that any of those supposed wise men who deny that there is any such distinction will credit my experience, but who asked for their opinions? I am loved body and soul. I am not loved any more in or for one than the other. I am loved not for the good deeds I do in the body--for my soul is loved also. I am loved not only for what existential heights I may be able to reach, for my body is loved also. My God will provide all my needs. He will not merely take me to Heaven and leave me naked and destitute to fend for myself on earth--for He loves my body also. He will not either remember to feed and clothe me and yet forget to satisfy the deep longings of my inner being--for my soul is loved also. I am perfectly loved.
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