Control

This post continues where Perfection and Safety leave off, with the fourth stage of John Eldridge's 6 phases of masculine development, as laid out in his book, The Way of the Wild Heart.


Each of the phases builds on the previous ones.  The Beloved Son must know he is loved or he will not find the heart for adventure as he enters the Cowboy phase.  The Cowboy must know he has what it takes, or he will not find the courage to stand and fight for the good cause of the Warrior phase.


All this brings us to the fourth phase, the Lover.  Eldridge says that the great danger of the Warrior phase, aside from passivity, is that the war become all-consuming.  If the Devil--who orchestrates the opposition at every phase--cannot keep the Warrior out of the fight, he seeks to overwhelm the warrior.  "Dogpile," says Eldridge.  "Make it all about the battle.  One after another.  Constant."  This is why the Lover phase is so important and why it is entered into so soon after the Warrior phase.  The Warrior needs rest and refreshment.  He needs romance.  The source of this is not primarily from a woman, but first and foremost from God.  God romances the lover.  God captivates him with beauty and melts his heart with tokens of affection.  This is what refreshed David and gave him strength in the midst of his battles (Psalm 27:3-4).  A woman does play a role.  Quite often, God uses a woman to awaken the heart of a man.  With his heart awakened by her beauty and romanced by God, the man can fight to awaken her heart and romance her.


The catch is that the man must have his heart awakened.  He must open it to beauty and romance--and to open the heart is to take a risk with the most delicate part of a man's being.  If a man is convinced to shut up his heart, to close it off from the romantic advances of God and the beauty of a woman, the Lover phase is sabotaged.


At one point in his discussion of the finding healing for the Lover, Eldridge pauses and asks the reader several questions, questions he must face before going on.  It is these questions that stopped me and brought me to write these entries.  I needed to understand why these questions where so difficult.

"We cannot control what the Romancer [God] is up to, but there is a posture we can take.  There is an openness to this stage that will enable us to recognize and receive the wooing.  So let me ask--are you willing to let go of your insistence to control, meaning, to allow for a life that exists beyond the realm of your analysis, to let some portions of your life to be impractical, to cease evaluating all things based on their utility and function?  Coming closer to the heart, are you willing to let passion rise in you, though undoubtedly it may unnerve you?  To permit the healing of some of your deepest wounds?  To let yourself be run through with a rapier by Beauty itself?  Are you willing, at some level, to be undone?"

These questions give me pause.  I found I could not but answer them in the negative when I first read them, several hours ago.  I have undoubtedly entered the Lover phase.  I began to be a Warrior many years ago in high school, and it was during my first year at college that I discovered, to my great surprise, that God really loved me.  It was then that I entered the Lover phase.  It was then that I began to be romanced.  I crushed on girls on and off since high school (well, since fifth grade if you want to go all the way back), nothing serious.  It was not until last May that God really started using a woman in my life, to awaken my heart.  Yet my heart remains not fully awakened.  My initiation is not complete.  There are some areas of my heart I have locked down and buried, keeping them from romance and awakening.  I am afraid to let them go.  I am afraid to lose control.


Each phase builds on the previous ones.  So does each mistake.  In my Beloved Son phase, I learned the lie that perfectionism was necessary for acceptance and love.  In my Cowboy phase, I learned the lie that I did not have what it takes: I could not be perfect, I could not be loved.  In my Warrior phase, I learned the lie that I should not even try for fear of hurting myself and others.


In my Lover phase, I took all this and learned the lie that Love is a thing I can never have.  I should not try to get it, as I will hurt others and myself, because I cannot be perfect.  To this I replied with an oath:  Fine.  I will not try to be a lover.  I will protect myself and others the only way I know how: I will lock down my heart.  I will remain in control.




But this is a lie.  I cannot be in control of my heart.  My attempts to rule its desires with an iron rod are the very things that led to their most disastrous outbreaks, namely my struggles with pornography.  I need to relinquish control now, in this phase, and allow my heart to be won, awakened, and melted.  The truth I need to make that decision is the truth I've found through the other phases:

I am deeply loved and cherished by God, just the way I am.
I do not have to be perfect, just do my best.
I have what it takes.
I must try, I must fight, for it is Godly, and I will win.
I must relinquish control and allow the God of the universe to awaken my heart...even and especially using the beauty of the woman He's chosen to help.


More on this to follow...